If your writing your own pantomime scripts of interest may be Paul Harris's book, containing several pantomime sketches and many traditional panto gags, its excellent just a shame theres not more of it. An excellent resource for anyone writing panto scripts.. Click on the book picture to buy it. If you looking for sheet music ebay is a good resource of affordable sheet music for pantomimes. click on the link Sheet Music on Ebay for pantomimes
To see my other panto scripts click on the link above
This is the Mark I version of the script and during rehearsals was improved greatly please email for perusal copy of improved version.
CURTAINS CLOSED† CAROL SINGERS ARE OUT FRONT
†ENTER Charles Dickens with Story Book
DICKENS Ė Hello Boys & Girls, Merry Christmas (Audience response)† My name is Charles Dickens, but you can call me Charlie. Whenever I walk on will you shout Hello Charlie ? Shall we try that ? (get audience to shout Ďhello Charlie) .Do you want to hear some of my jokes? (Audience response) What do you call a dinosaur with only one eye? (Do-you-think-he-saurus). Hereís another one. What do you call a reindeer with no eyes? (No-eyed-deer). They donít get any better Iím afraid.† I also write stories, would you like to hear one ? (Audience response†† louder etc)
Seeing as its near Christmas shall I tell you a story about Christmas (Audience Response). (Consults book) Very well I shall begin.
Our story happened many years ago here in the
COMMENCE CAROL SINGING Ė (SOFTLY SO DICKENS CAN STILL B
DICKENS - Marley was dead ! Dead as a door nail. Dead as a Do Do. Dead as the governmentís election promises (Something topical to replace this). I want it to be very clear that Marley was dead, dead dead, dead.† Just so we all understand, Marley was dead! If he wasnít dead, well he is nowÖÖÖÖÖ because they buried him 7 years ago this very day.† Scrooge never painted out Marleyís name on their business sign ĎScrooge & Marleyí. Paint cost money and Scrooge was mean and nasty. He only cared about making money,.† Here he comes now.
ENTER SCROOGE (Lower door below stage)
CAROL SINGER Merry Christmas Sir (proffers bucket for Scrooge to make a donation Ė SCROOGE takes bucket & walks on)
CAROL SINGER (Hurries after Scrooge) Please Sir, Please Sir thatís the money people have donated for our village hall.
SCROOGE (Angrily advances on Carol Singer) Do you want to be sued for breach of contract ?
CAROL SINGER (confused) Pardon Sir?, indeed not sir, thatís our bucket Sir
SCROOGE You offered me this bucket did you not ?
CAROL SINGER (Retreating) Yes Sir to put money in forÖÖÖÖ
SCROOGE (Interrupting and following Carol Singer)† I accepted this bucket as offered did I not ?
CAROL SINGER Yes Sir but its ourÖÖÖ.
SCROOGE (Interrupting)† Do you know what that is ?
CAROL SINGER Stealing?
SCROOGE No child, not quite, itís a contract a legally binding contract. Are you trying to break the contract? (Nasty) If so Iíll sue you for every penny of your pocket money from now until eternity ! Is that what you want ? Coz thatís what will happen !
CAROL SINGER (Scared) No sir, indeed not sir.
SCROOGE Good ! Have you a license for carol singing in a built up area ?
CAROL SINGER A license ? Do you need a license for Carol Singing sir ?
SCROOGE If I know the government you do. I bet you donít have insurance either do you ?.
CAROL SINGER (thoroughly intimidated) Insurance Sir ? No Sir. We didnít know we have to have insurance or a license Sir.
SCROOGE† Carol Singing in a built up area without a license or insurance thatís a minimum of 20 years hard labour. (Nasty) Do you want 20 years in prison boy ?† Is that what you want ? Coz thatís what will happen !
CAROL SINGER No sir !
SCROOGE Well if youíre here in 2 seconds thatís what will happen, so get out of it !
CAROL SINGER Yes Sir, No Sir Thank you Sir (Runs back to other Carol Singers)
SCROOGE WALKS ONTO CENTRE† STAGE CHUCKLING EVILY
DICKENS As you might of guessed Scrooge was mean
CAROL SINGERS (sing)† ĎMean Scroogeí
DICKENS And Scrooge was bad!
CAROL SINGERS (sing) Mean Bad Scrooge
DICKENS SINGS Mean Scrooge, Mean Bad Scrooge (SONG - Big Bad John with adjusted Lyrics Ė Scrooge does actions to funny verses Ė APPROX 3 VERSES)
DICKENS Now Scrooge was horrible and nasty to everyone. He loved causing miseryÖ. (Interrupted by Scrooge)
SCROOGE Who are you ? and whats your business here ?
DICKENS (Surprised) Why Iím Charles Dickens, (Pompous) you know Dickens† the Great Victorian writer (as if Scrooge should know!)
SCROOGE† This is private property, your trespassing, get out !
DICKENS No you donít understand, Iím the narrator, I explain the story to the audience .
SCROOGE Well Iím the Terminator and if your not off these premises in 5 seconds Iíll have you arrested† ! Is that what you want ? Coz thatís what will happen ! Get Out.!
DICKENS (to Audience Ė Arnie impression ) Iíll be back ! (EXIT DICKENS Stage Left)
SCROOGE (Moves front center stage chuckling gleefully) Well its not looking a bad day so far, a nice bit of extracting money by deception (shakes carol singers bucket) and some threatening behaviour.
CAROL SINGERS (sing) Mean Scrooge, Mean bad Scrooge
SCROOGE† (To audience) What are you lot gawping at ? What do you think this is some sort of show ? . (Furious Shout) Cratchet, Bob Cratchet you had better appear if you value your situation !
CRATCHET (Enter Stage Right hurrying) Here Sir
SCROOGE Whatís all this riff raff doing on my premises ? (gestures towards audience)
CRATCHET Theyíre here to see the panto sir!
SCROOGE Panto ! Panto ! Are there no theatres? Are there no cinemas? Is the Marlowe not in operation?
CRATCHET They are in full operation sir
SCROOGE Then throw this rabble into the street and decrease the surplus audience population
CRATCHET Indeed sir many want to go and several have tried to leave already,
SCROOGE Then why are they still here?
CRATCHET Weíve locked the doors sir ! So they cant leave and ask for their money back. One lady did manage to climb out of an open window and ran off down the street before we could catch her. She left these caught on the window (Gives big pair of bloomers to Scrooge)
SCROOGE (Holding up bloomers) Thereís a name tag M.Chastney? (Vary with performance)
CRATCHET If she demands a refund Iíll give her a knicker.
SCROOGE (Incredulous) They paid money to be here?
CRATCHET Indeed sir
CRATCHET Yes sir
SCROOGE None to bright are they! That gives me an idea, do we still have those chocolate mice out back ?
CRATCHET The ones you bought cheap from the chocolate factory sir?
SCROOGE Thatís right the ones made from real mice, which fell into the chocolate Vats and drowned in the chocolate! .
CRATCHET Yes sir
SCROOGE During the interval take them round to this lot (gestures towards audience), see if you can sell a few.
CRATCHET Is that wise sir? They might make people sick!
SCROOGE (Nasty) Yes they might. Good!†† A shilling each. Tellíem they wont be allowed to leave unless they buy one!
CRATCHET As you wish Sir
†SCROOGE (Gleefully) Yes it isnít looking a bad day at all.
CAROL SINGERS (SING MEAN SCROOGE etc)
SCROOGE (to carol singers) Thank you, its nice to have ones work appreciated. One gets precious little appreciation for being nasty.† Speaking of nasty howís that house I sold you Cratchet, still falling down?
CRATCHET Yes sir , still the same as when you sold it to me. Mould on the walls from rising damp and the leaking roof which gives Tiny Tim a terrible cough.
SCROOGE Yes that was one of my best sales ! Tell me why havenít you repaired it ?
CRATCHET Must we go through this sir ? You ask the same every year
SCROOGE Yes and I love hearing it every year!. Tell me again why you cant repair your house.
CRATCHET Because on my salary and the mortgage you sold me I cant afford to
SCROOGE The small print on that mortgage was some of my best work. Tell me when you will have paid it all off.
CRATCHET If my wages stay the same 2099
SCROOGE 2099! 2099 (evil laugh) I called that clause in the mortgage the ĎSanta Clausí Do you know why (to Audience) Because it means Christmas is cancelled.
CAROL SINGERS (SING) Mean scrooge etc
CRATCHET About my wages sir, could I have a pay rise ? my salary hasnít changed since 1865.
SCROOGE (ANGRY) Oh thatís it you had to spoil it didnít you. Asking for a pay rise how can you be so selfish and thoughtless Cratchet.!
CRATCHET Iím sorry Sir.
SCROOGE† I was in such a good mood too. Do you think Iím made of money ?
CRATCHET You are the richest man in Doddington. !
SCROOGE No Cratchet business is bad, turnover is down, profits are down, weíll review the situation in another year.
CRATCHET But Sir. Thatís what you say every year !
SCROOGE Well then you should be used to it.! Or would you rather be Ö(shout)ÖÖÖ.unemployed !!!
CRATCHET No Sir, Indeed not Sir
SCROOGE Where are the eviction notices for today?
CRATCHET On your desk Sir
SCROOGE (Moves to desk & starts stamping E notices) Get the eviction notices for tomorrow Iíll stamp them as well.
CRATCHET But tomorrow is Christmas Sir, you cant throw people out of their homes on Christmas day !
SCROOGE Oh yes I can (Audience response Ė Oh yes I cans / Oh no you cants)
CRATCHET The bailiffs will charge 4 times the normal rate for Christmas Sir
SCROOGE Four times! Four times! Those thieving† B.B.B.BÖ. BÖ. Bailiffs. All right weíll leave those until after Christmas. Get me the January ones so I can get those ready.
CRATCHET Yes Sir (places heap of papers on Scrooges Desk Ė Scrooge sits happily stamping muttering ĎEvictedí each time)
ENTER SLAPAN & TICKLE (lower door below stage)
CRATCHET (stands) Good morning ladies and a merry Christmas to you.
SLAPAN Oh young man!
TICKLE Young man !
SLAPAN Merry Christmas young man
TICKLE Merry Christmas young man!
CRATCHET What can I do for you ladies ?
TICKLE I am Edwina Tickle† this is ÖÖ..
SLAPAN Euthagania Slapan
TICKLE Were from the W.I.
SLAPAN Womenís Institute !
TICKLE We are fund raising
SLAPAN For the needy at Christmas
TICKLE Were here to See Mr. Scrooge, young man!
SLAPAN To see if he would like to make a donation for the needy, young man!
CRATCHET Thatís Mr. Scrooge over there but I donít think heíll Ö(interrupted by Slapan/Tickle)
SLAPAN/TICKLE (Together ) Thank you, young man!††††† (walk over to Scrooges desk)
SLAPAN/TICKLE (Together to Scrooge) Merry Christmas Mr. Scrooge
SCROOGE (Genial) Hello ladies what can I sell you ? I have some vastly over priced dresses from the Far East
SLAPAN From India?
SCROOGE No Margate
TICKLE Were not here for dresses Mr. Scrooge!
SCROOGE Well ladies I have some excellent Jewelry. Rings with simulated 24 carat diamonique diamonds made from glass and finest gold from old English brass.
SLAPAN No Mr. Scrooge were not here for Jewelry!
TICKLE Were here fund raising for the poor and needy at Christmas
SLAPAN For you to donate money!
(Scrooge Clutches chest and collapses back onto seat SLAPAN TICKLE FLUSTER AROUND HIM FANNING)
SLAPAN Mr. Scrooge, Mr. Scrooge are you all right?
TICKLE (To Slapan) Shall I give him mouth to mouth resuscitation ?
SLAPAN I think its his only hope dear
(Slapan gets close to give mouth to mouth Scrooge suddenly recovers and sits up)
SCROOGE No that wont be necessary!† I just thought you said you wanted me to give money!
SLAPAN/TICKLE (Together) We did Mr. Scrooge
(Scrooge collapse again in shock Slapan/Tickle draped over & fanning Scrooge) Ė ENTER FRED FROM LOWER DOOR
SLAPAN Youíll have to use the resuscitator Edwina, have you got it.
TICKLE Yes dear (pulls out plunger and bends over Scrooge with back to audience,† applying plunger to face Ė Scrooge holds plunger to face WI pull back and forthe )
FRED Merry Christmas Bob Cratchet to you and your fine family
CRATCHET Merry Christmas Mr. Fred Sir
FRED (Catching sight of WI over Scrooge) I say whatís old Uncle Ebenezer up to?
CRATCHET Oh some Slap and Tickle from the WI
FRED A bit of slap and tickle heh? Didnít know uncle Ebenezer had it in him.
CRATCHET No sir, you donít understand, the ladies are fund raising,
FRED What the WI using slap and tickle for fund raising! How novel.! I say youíve got to hand it to the old WI theyíll† try anything for a good cause. Next thing will be a cheeky calendar !. Seeing as itís Christmas Iíll make a donation for a bit of slap and tickle, soon as theyíre finished with Uncle Ebenezer! ÖÖÖÖ. Donít tell my wife will you Bob?
CRATCHET No Sir, its not like that,† you see ÖÖÖ..(interrupted)
SCROOGE Get off of me! Your do gooders! Urgh disgusting! Do gooders,! I hate do gooders!
SLAPAN How much money will you donate Mr. Scrooge?††
SLAPAN You wish to remain anonymous?
SCROOGE I wish to be left alone!
TICKLE But Mr. Scrooge we are collecting for the poor and needy, surely youíll donate something
SCROOGE Are there no prisons?
SLAPAN Plenty of prisons Mr. Scrooge
SCROOGE Is the workhouse not in operation?
TICKLE Unfortunately in full operation Mr. Scrooge
SCROOGE Then let them go to the workhouse
SLAPAN Many would rather die than go to the workhouse Mr. Scrooge
SCROOGE (Evil) Then let them die and decrease the surplus population
TICKLE You cant mean that Mr. Scrooge?
SCROOGE Oh yes I can! (Audience response)
SCROOGE And further more every idiot with Merry Christmas on his lips should be boiled with his own pudding and used as stuffing for his own Turkey
SLAPAN Well really !
TICKLE Mr. Scrooge what a horrible young man† you are !
SCROOGE Thank you! Now ladies Iím very busy evicting people so I bid you good day!
SLAPAN/TICKLE (Together) Good day (Turn and go towards Cratchet and Fred to Exit)
FRED Ladies Iím after some slap and tickle and prepared to offer a whole sixpence for a big kissy wissy
(FRED CLOSES EYES AND PUKKERS UP LIPS FOR KISS)
†(either slap together Fred with handbags or one does Ďwind upí for uppercut punch. Either way Fred is slapstick knocked out and caught by Cratchet)
SLAPAN/TICKLE CARRY ON WALKING TO EXIT LOWER DOOR Ė Talk as walk
SLAPAN Iíve never been so insulted in all my life!
TICKLE Yes you have dear!
SLAPAN No I havenít
TICKLE Yes you have dear!
TICKLE You remember at Doddington Service Station that mechanic working on the car. You kicked his nuts all over the floor and trod on his big end.
TICKLE You remember, he had his nuts in a bowl as he worked on a car. He called you a clumsy oaf and said you were so ugly you looked like a man.
SLAPAN Oh yes I remember, the little chap with bandy legs, Reg Loberts wasnít it?
TICKLE . Something like that.. After what he said that you kicked his nuts again.
SLAPAN Well he shouldnít have been so rude
EXIT SLAPAN & TICKLE LOWER DOOR
CRATCHET (Stands Fred upagain) Mr. Fred are you alright
FRED Wasnít sixpence enough? Do you think I should have offered them a shilling?
CRATCHET I wouldnít like to say sir!
SCROOGE (looking after where Slapan Tickle exited) Do gooders, bah humbug, if I get one more idiot saying Merry Christmas Iíll scream
FRED Merry Christmas uncle Ebenezer
SCROOGE (Scream) Oh no! Another do gooder, ! Humbug, Humbug, Humbug
FRED Oh come come uncle, Christmas Humbug. You canít mean that can you?
SCROOGE Oh yes I can (Audience response)
FRED Oh donít be cross Uncle
SCROOGE I have to listen to fools like you bleating on about Christmas no wonder Iím cross.† Itís a time for finding yourself† a year older and not an hour richer. You keep Christmas in your own way and let me keep it in mine.
FRED But you donít keep Christmas Uncle
SCROOGE Let me leave it alone then! Merry Christmas? What have you got to be merry about your poor enough?
FRED What have you got to be nasty about your rich enough?
(Applause from Bob Cratchet)
SCROOGE (To Cratchet) Enough from you sir unless you want to be unemployed !, Is that what you want Coz thatís whatíll happen. (To Fred) I like being nasty, I like being horrible and I like throwing people out of their homes on Christmas day!
CAROL SINGERS SING MEAN BAD SCROOGE etc
SCROOGE (To Carol singers) Thank you
FRED Oh come uncle, you canít enjoy evicting people from their homes on Christmas day!
SCROOGE Oh yes I can (Audience response)
FRED Uncle why not come to dinner with my wife and I on Christmas day?
SCROOGE You knit wit! You invite me every year
FRED And every year you say No because you do not wish to celebrate Christmas
SCROOGE No you idiot, itís because your wife cant cook toast! I wouldnít turn down a free meal even if it meant having to listen to a couple of boring twits like you and your wife.
FRED Oh uncle that is not true
SCROOGE. What, that youíre a couple of twits?
FRED No uncle, that my dear wifeís cooking is that bad!
SCROOGE You have false teeth do you not nephew?
(The lines below relating to the omlette need to be rapid)
FRED Well yes
SCROOGE You have had false teeth since your wedding day
FRED Well yes
SCROOGE Because your teeth suddenly fell out after eating an omlette
FRED Well yes
SCROOGE Who cooked the omlette?
FRED I canít remember
SCROOGE Who cooked the omlette?
FRED It wasnít her fault
SCROOGE Who cooked the omlette?
FRED She trys so very hard to cook well
SCROOGE Who cooked the omlette?
FRED My wife
SCROOGE It would be easier to eat a slab of tarmac than anything cooked by your wife. Every year you invite me because no one else will risk your wifeís concrete turkey, with sage and charcoal stuffing, roast pebbles, and burnt granite vegetables.† (To audience) She baked a cake once and Rentokil bought the recipe.
FRED We have never had a quarrel uncle to which I have been party
SCROOGE Thatís because your too dumb too realize your being insulted!
FRED So I wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, (STARTS TO EXIT) and Merry Christmas to you Bob Cratchet†
CRATCHET Merry Christmas Sir††
FRED Would you like to come to Christmas Dinner Bob?
CRATCHET Me! Oh err, thank you sir I would love to but, err, I have other arrangements and I cant afford new teeth.
FRED Well let me know if you change your mind. Good night
CRATCHET Good night sir.†† EXIT FRED STAGE RIGHT †
CRATCHET Begging your pardon Sir it is closing time
SCROOGE You want all day off tomorrow I suppose
CRATCHET If quite convenient Sir
SCROOGE It is not quite convenient. I have to pay you a days pay when your not here, its not fair!
CRATCHET Tis but once a year on Christmas day Sir
CRATCHET Very good sir, thank you sir. Shall I get your bed ready.
(Cratchet pulls down fold out bed from scenary, then† helps Scrooge strip off revealing Ďloudí long johns e.g. bright red with visual jokes eg. Hand prints on back side or ĎLí for learner. Scrooge puts on night gown & hat, gets into bed)
SCROOGE Whereís Ted Ted?† (Possible Teddy or signed photo gag from this)
CRATCHET Here he is sir, and the Doddington newsletter. Page 3 has an interesting item! (Hands Scrooge newsletter & Teddy bear which Scrooge cuddles) Shall I turn down the lights Sir?
CRATCHET. Good night sir †(LIGHTS DOWN to solitary candle with Scrooge in Bed)
EXIT CRATCHET STAGE LEFT
Scrooge reads newsletter and, bells begin to sound, heavy footsteps, smoke? Ė build tension Ė Scrooge becomes more & more scared )
ENTER BOB CRATCHET STAGE RIGHT - RUSHESS ON LIGHTS COME ON
CRATCHET Iím ever so sorry Mr. Scrooge I forgot my scarf, I rang the bell but you didnít answer (grabs scarf) and dashes out again
LIGHTS GO DOWN TO SCROOGES CANDLE
Writing a Panto
SCROOGE That stupid Cratchet nearly frightened the life out of me and Ted Ted! ! If he wasnít so cheap Iíd sack him.
SOUND OF BELLS / FEET / SMOKE? AS BEFORE
SCROOGE That stupid Cratchet, whatís he forgot this time. Iíll give him what for! (Goes to Stage Right doorway)
LIGHTS GO UP - ENTER MARLEYíS GHOST STAGE LEFT Ė SCROOGE TURNS ROUND TO FIND MARLEY
MARLEY Ghostly wail, wooo, wooo, woo,† (rattle chains)
SCROOGE (Not scared at all) Donít you woo woo like that or youíll woo woo in a different tone altogether. Is that what you want? Coz thatís whatíll happen!
MARLEY Arent you scared ?
SCROOGE Scared ? what of ? Some great donut dressed as a padlock !
MARLEY Iím a ghost look , woo woo, (rattles chains), Iím a ghostly spectre I walk thru walls and vanish into thin air!
SCROOGE Go on then
MARLEY Go on then what ?
SCROOGE Walk thru that wall (gestures scenary)
MARLEY (defensive) No, I donít have to.
†SCROOGE You cant can you?† You cant walk thru walls youíre a panto fake
MARLEY I am too a real ghost. Look Iíve got the costume, the chains and everything!
SCROOGE Your no more a ghost than I am.!
MARLEY I am, I am too. I could walk thru that wall if I wanted too. I just donít want too.
SCROOGE Oh no you cant!
MARLEY Oh yes I can (Audience response)
SCROOGE Oh no you cant!
MARLEY All right I will. (Goes to walk thru wall bumps nose) Ouch, ooh dat ert die doze.
SCROOGE Fine ghost you are!
MARLEY Iím only an apprentice, this is my first assignment.† I havenít got my walking thru walls badge yet.
SCROOGE (to audience) Typical of this panto getting a learner to save money!.
MARLEY They said it would be easy and I wouldnít have to do anything scary.
SCROOGE Who said?
MARLEY Them down there (points to floor)
SCROOGE Youíve been sent from Australia?
MARLEY No, no, no.† Iíve come from that place of fire and brimstone where those doomed to an eternity of suffering walk howling in despair.
SCROOGE (Deadpan) Oh, your from Newnham!
MARLEY Have a care Ebenezer Scrooge this is not a joking mater.
SCROOGE Whoís joking!† How do you know my name? Who are you?
MARLEY In life I was your business partner Jacob Marley
SCROOGE Marley? Is that you Marley? What have you done to yourself? Just a minute ! Weíll make a fortune, weíll sue the Doctor who certified you were dead, the coroner, the undertaker, the embalmer, the vicar who performed the burial service! And the grave diggers. Where thereísí blame thereís a claim. !!! Weíll make millions!
MARLEY I am dead Ebenezer.† I am a ghost.
SCROOGE Oh lets not quibble over minor things like being dead. Marley why are you wearing all those chains?† I didnít know you went in for that sort of thing?
MARLEY These are the chains I forged in life. Every time I was nasty or horrible to another person a new link in the chain was made. Your chain was as big and long as this a full 7 years ago Ebenezer. You have worked hard being nasty since, tis a huge and ponderous thing now!
SCROOGE (looks down looking for chain) What chains? I donít see any chain
MARLEY Never the less it is there. Each link forged by your greed and tempered with the freezing malice you bear to all others. With your last breath its dead weight will drag you down to a place where your soul will reside for an eternity of torment.
SCROOGE Well as long as itís not Newnham I donít mind!
MARLEY Have a care Scrooge or you will share my fate. As a spirit I can no longer interfere for the good in human matters. My actions in life, my greed, my indifference to the suffering of others, has doomed me to walk the earth powerless to help those in need.† I am here to give you warning Ebenezer!
SCROOGE Warning? Warning of what?
MARLEY Stop being nasty or else!
SCROOGE Stop being nasty! But I like being nasty.† So did you Marley! Donít you remember what our favourite things were?
SCROOGE What do you mean ĎStop being nasty Ė or else?í
MARLEY Three spirits will visit you tonight to explain the Ďor elseí.
SCROOGE Three spirits? What Brandy, Whisky and Gin!
MARLEY The first will visit as the clock tolls midnight! The second as the clock tolls one. The third will come in a time of his own choosing.
SCROOGE Do I get a discount if I see all three at once Ė buy two get one Free ?
MARLEY You always were a shrewd man of business Ebenezer and that will be your doom.
SCROOGE But Jacob how can making a profit being bad?† I am a good business man I have a fortune in gold.
MARLEY There is more to your busy-ness than gold, there are things of far greater value.
SCROOGE What can be more valuable than gold.?
MARLEY Compassion, tolerance and love. Caring about the happiness and welfare of others.
SCROOGE Get Real! Thereís no profit in that!
MARLEY Gentle words to someone when needed most are priceless. A simple act of kindness to another human being has greater value than any amount of gold. To see beyond the weaknesses and failings, which we all possess, are treasures beyond measure. These are the riches of life, gems in our existence that shine brighter than any star.
SCROOGE Donít start talking all mushy Marley, youíll make me throw up!!
MARLEY My time has finished and I must go.
SCROOGE What back to that place of fire and brimstone where those doomed to an eternity of suffering walk howling in despair.
MARLEY No Iím going to the works Christmas Party and I donít want to be late. Good bye Ebenezer Scrooge, change your ways or you are†† doomed, doomed, dooooooooomed (Tries to exit thru wall bumps nose again)
EXIT MARLEY STAGE LEFT STILL WAILING ĎDOOMEDí
LIGHTS GO DOWN
SCROOGE Bah humbug, Iím dreaming! Thatís what it is Iím dreaming!. Ghosts and visited by three spirits Ė Humbug. Humbug Humbug. Iíd better get some sleep so I can wake up. (To audience) If you see any ghosts will you shout and wake me and Ted Ted up? (audience response)† SCROOGE GETS INTO BED AND BEGINS SNORING. CLOCK TOLLS TWELVE
ENTER Stage Left Ghost of Xmas past walks round bed (Hopefully audience shout) EXIT Stage Right Possible Teddy Joke Here
Scrooge wakes up and makes comments to audience about Ďwhat ghost?í which way did he go? Moves to stage Right (following audience comments as to which way ghost went)
ENTER Stage Left Ghost of Xmas past(Scrooge has back to ghost) hopefully audience will shout. Scrooge moves to Front Stage Centre (ghost stays behind Scrooge for Ďbehind youís) etc. Eventually Scrooge turns round and seeís ghost .
SCROOGE Are you the Spirit whose coming was foretold by Jacob Marley?
XMAS PAST I am
SCROOGE Who are you or what are you?
XMAS PAST I am the ghost of Christmas past
SCROOGE If youíre the ghost of Christmas Past then Iím Tinkerbell!
XMAS PAST You donít believe in me Tinkerbell?
SCROOGE Of course not! Humbug! Humbug! Humbug!
XMAS PAST Why do you doubt your senses?
SCROOGE Because it takes so little to affect them like a tummy upset. No thereís more of gravy than grave about you my ghostly friend. You might be some undigested genetically modified lamb, a piece of a Big Mac, a fragment of French fry,† a bit of pizza,Ö.
XMAS PAST A custard pie?
SCROOGE Yes a custard pie
XMAS PAST SLAPS CUSTARD PIE INTO SCROOGES FACE
SCROOGE (Wipes custard pie away) What did you do that for?
XMAS PAST That was life in your face Ebenezer Scrooge! Do you believe in me now or am I another bit of custard pie or perhaps some† cold spaghetti, how about undigested jellied eels?
SCROOGE Yes, Yes, Yes alright anything but jellied eels. I believe in you. Are you the Ghost of Christmasís long past?
XMAS PAST No just your past, take my robe and we will see the shadows of Christmasís you have had.. (Scrooge takes hold of the spirits robe)
ENTER MR. FEZZIWEG STAGE LEFT STARTS PUTTING UP DECORATIONS
XMAS PAST Do you remember this man?
SCROOGE Why bless my sole a itís old Fezziweg! Remember him! he gave me my first job!. This is one of old Fezziwegs† Christmas parties. Something to behold indeed. Those were happy days!.
FEZZIWEG (putting up decorations) Come on everyone, quickly now, quickly†††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††
ENTER STAGE LEFT & RIGHT OTHER FEZZIWEG PARTY PEOPLE FOLLOWED INCL.† YOUNG SCROOGE SCRIBBLING IN LEDGER (ENTER STAGE LEFT)
FEZZIWEG The quicker we get the decorations up, the quicker the party starts. (catchs sight of young Scrooge). Ebenezer Scrooge will you stop working this instant!.† Its time to party my boy, its Christmas!
YOUNG SCROOGE Yes Sir I will only be a minute I just want to double check outstanding debtors (Goes Stage Right checking ledger)
SCROOGE (Going over to young Scrooge) Look thereís me as a young man!. When I was young I was second to none, well groomed and handsome.
XMAS PAST Now look at you. Your second hand, none too well, and gruesome.
FEZZIWEG (TO OTHER PARTY PEOPLE) Come on every one lets get this party ready! Its Christmas
ENTER OTHERS AT FEZZIWEGS PARTY PUTTING UP DECORATIONS
SCROOGE (Wistful) Old Fezziwegs parties were something to behold!
XMAS PAST A few pounds in money was all Mr. Fezziweg spent.
SCROOGE It wasnít just the money
XMAS PAST No? Isnít money everything to you Ebenezer Scrooge?
SCROOGE You donít understand. He had the power to make our lives hell if he chose. He was fair and kind. On Christmas Eve he gave us heaven with his parties, they were famous.
XMAS PAST What about Bob Cratchet?. You have the power to make his life heaven or hell! Were you firm but fair with your ĎSanta Clausí?† A poor excuse to pick a mans pocket 365 days of the year.
SCROOGE I admit I may have been a little harsh with Cratchet but there is no need to mock me!
XMAS PAST No. I pity you for what you have lost. The riches a generous spirit can bring. You are the poorest of the poor.
SCROOGE Donít pity me, I donít need your pity.
ENTER DICKENS STAGE LEFT WITH STORY BOOK
DICKENS (To audience) Hello boys and girls (Audience
response) KNOCK KNOCK JOK
SCROOGE (To xmas past) Whats he doing here? This is my dream!
XMAS PAST Heís the narrator. He helps the audience understand the story. Shhh listen and learn.
DICKENS So the spirit showed Scrooge a Christmas of his own past to remind him how much fun it could be. That it did not depend on money or the size of presents but being amongst friends & family with a generous dollop of Christmas Spirit. Fezziwegs party was about to begin!
FEZZIWEG (To audience) Right everybody lets party! Were going to do a new dance The Twist!
DICKENS Thatís right the twist
FEZZIWEG Right its time to eat, Ebenezer stop working and come and enjoy the party
YOUNG SCROOGE I will be along in just a minute sir, Iím just calculating some compound interest.
EXIT FEZZIWEG & OTHER PARTY GOERS STAGE RIGHT
DICKENS Scrooge was to see his lost love. A young woman named Belle to whom he was engaged to be married. But the more money Scrooge made the less he wanted to spend it on marriage or anything else that didnít make more money.
YOUNG SCROOGE No dear its because you are too poor. I have begun to make my way successfully† in the world of business. However because you can bring no cash into our marriage I have to work harder to allow for the burden you represent. (nose back into ledger)
DICKENS (To audience) Isnt he horrible boys & girls? Poor Belle (Get aaahs from audience)
BELLE (Hurt) I am a burden to you Ebenezer? Is that all I am?
SCROOGE (Sadly) She loved me and I loved her, dearest Belle
XMAS PAST (Sarcastic) Pity you didnít show it!
YOUNG SCROOGE Iím sorry Belle but as you ask, Yes you are a burden to me (more aaahs or boos from audience)
BELLE (almost crying) Well Ebenezer I will not be a burden to you anymore. I release you from our engagement to marry. Here is your ring back† I hope you can get a refund on it. (Pauses for a reaction from Young Scrooge, however he just takes the ring)
SCROOGE (To ghost) Indeed I did. Mr. Ratner the jeweler had sold me the ring at trade discount. I was able to resell it at a very tidy profit.!
†BELLE (Tearful) Good bye Ebenezer, Iím sorry my love was of so little value to you.
EXIT BELLE TEARFULLY STAGE LEFT
YOUNG SCROOGE (looks towards where Belle exits) Belle! Belle!
SCROOGE (Very agitated) Go after her you fool! Go after her!
XMAS PAST Because you loved her?
DICKENS No she wins the lottery next week, double roll over, sixteen million pound jackpot!
SCROOGE Go after her you fool, sheíll be rich!
YOUNG SCROOGE EXIT STAGE RIGHT THOUGHTFULLY LOOKING BACK AT WHERE BELLE EXITED
DICKENS (To audience) It was typical of Scrooge to loose the girl he loved and loved him over the price of a cup of coffee. Scrooge could have had everything but he threw it all away because Ö(interrupted by Scrooge)
SCROOGE (Threatening) Some idiot told her I had forty thousand pounds under the bed!
DICKENS (Intimidated) Err, Well its in the story
SCROOGE Who wrote the story?
DICKENS (Proudly) Charles Dickens the great and respected Victorian writer
SCROOGE (Very threatening rolling up sleeves) And whats your name pray tell?
DICKENS Charles DickenÖ.errr son. Charles Dickenson the local craftsman blacksmith for ornamental iron work at Sandhurst farm forge.
SCROOGE (Picks up Dickens by scruff of neck and seat of trousers) Well Mr. Dickeneerrson. pick your window your leaving
DICKENS Bye boys and girls
SCROOGE THROWS DICKENS OFF STAGE LEFT (SOUND OF POTS AND PANS CRASHING)
XMAS PAST Do you not see Scrooge it was your own greed, your concern with money above people that lost your chance for† love and happiness amidst a family?
SCROOGE I see nothing, nothing!. Except Iím having a nightmare and I want it too end. I want it to end now. I want you to go so I can get some rest
XMAS PAST† Very well I shall leave you in peace until the next of my kind appear.
EXIT XMAS PAST STAGE RIGHT Ė LIGHTS DO DOWN
SCROOGE (Gets into bed talks to Teddy) I am over worked and seeing things and must rest. Everything will be alright in the morning if only I sleep.
(Scrooge is asleep in bed, cuddling teddy sucking thumb, talks in sleep Ď I want to ride the ponyí)
ENTER GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT STAGE RIGHT
(Audience will probably shout for Scrooge to wake up however Scrooge remains asleep)
XMAS PRESENT Come on Ebenezer Scrooge Wakey Wakey!
SCROOGE (Still asleep sucking thumb) I donít want to go to school today mumsy, can I have a sicky?
XMAS PRESENT (To audience) I donít think he wants to wake up boys and girls. I wonder what I can do to wake him up.† I know shall I put a nice clammy slippery, slimy snake in his bed (Produces snake ) (Audience response) Shall I boys & girls?
GHOST EVENTUALLY PUTS ĎSnakeí AT BOTTOM OF SCROOGES BED.
Bump of Snake under covers can be seen moving up bed (Stick operated by Scrooge under covers)
Suddenly Scrooge Sits bolt upright in bed, wide a wake and lifts up blanket to peer under then leaps out of bed.
SCROOGE (Panic) Thereís an snake in my bed ! Thereís and snake in my bed!
XMAS PRESENT Thatís nothing I once woke up and found a horse in my bed.
SCROOGE A horse?
XMAS PRESENT† Yes it was a nightmare. (Wait for audience groans!)
SCROOGE Are you another of the spirits whoís coming was foretold by Jacob Marley?
XMAS PRESENT I am the ghost of Christmas present!
XMAS PRESENT Whereís what?
SCROOGE My present!
XMAS PRESENT No, Iím the ghost of Christmas present, as in the present, you know Christmas now!
SCROOGE Well you should be called the ghost of Christmas now then. As it is you offered me a present, I accepted your offer. Do you know what that is?
XMAS PRESENT A contract?
SCROOGE A contract !. (Now surprised ghost knows) Yes a contract! A legally binding contract.
XMAS PRESENT And if I donít supply a present you will sue me from now until eternity? (parody Scrooge)† Is that what I want? Coz thatís what will happen!
SCROOGE (Put out that Ghost knows) Yes, thatís right!† If you donít give me a present then Iíll sue you from here until eternity. Is that what you want? Coz thatís what will happen!
XMAS PRESENT (To audience)† Shall I give Scrooge a present heíll never forget boys & girls? (Audience Response). Very well Scrooge I will give you a present. Close your eyes!
SCROOGE CLOSES EYES THEN REOPENS THEM
SCROOGE (Suspicious) Why do I have to close my eyes?
XMAS PRESENT You want it to be a surprise donít you ?
SCROOGE Oh yes! I like surprises. (CLOSES EYES & HOLDS OUT HANDS AS IF TO RECEIVE A PRESENT)
GHOST PULLS OUT CUSTARD PIE & SHOWS IT TO AUDIENCE
XMAS PRESENT (To audience) Do you think Scrooge has earned this present boys & girls? (Audience response)
SCROOGE I cant wait! Give it to me! Give it to me! Is it a nice present boys & girls? (audience response) Will I like it ? (Audience response) Has it got a red ribbon on it?
XMAS PRESENT No there isnít a red ribbon.
SCROOGE I donít want a present unless its got a red ribbon on it!
XMAS PRESENT Then a red ribbon you shall have. Just putting it on now! (Pulls out ketchup bottle and squirts Ďred ribboní on custard pie) A beautiful ribbon in tomato ketchup red!
SCROOGE Well give it to me then! Give it! Give it!
XMAS PRESENT (TO AUDIENCE) Shall I give it to him boys & girls? (Audience response) On the count of 3. Will you count for me boys & girls. (Audience counts 1, 2, 3 Ė Ghost slaps custard pie in Scrooges face)
XMAS PRESENT A very Merry Christmas Ebenezer Scrooge!
ENTER DICKENS STAGE LEFT (Gives time for Scrooge to clean up)
DICKENS Hello boys & girls (audience response) The spirit of Christmas Present bade Scrooge to take hold of the spirits robe. Suddenly Scrooge found himself at Bob Cratchets poor house.
ENTER STAGE LEFT Mrs Cratchet & two daughters Emma & Gemma .(carrying table & chairs which they set up)
MRS C. Hurry up children your father will be home soon. Get the table ready for Christmas dinner.Hurry up Tiny Tim.!
ENTER STAGE LEFT Tiny Tim
TIM God bless us everyone.
EMMA Is the turkey bigger than last years mummy?
MRS C. Oh yes much bigger . This is the biggest turkey weíve ever had!
GEMMA Of course its bigger than last year, what are you stupid?
EMMA Donít call me stupid! Mum! Gemma just called me stupid!
MRS C. (Flustered laying table) Gemma! apologize to Emma at once!
GEMMA (Sarcastic) Iím so sorry †for calling you stupid Emma! Its an insult to stupid people to call you stupid.
EMMA Well at least Iím not ugly like you!
GEMMA What! What do you mean?† Iím not ugly!
EMMA Youíve got a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp!
GEMMA Mum Emma just said Iíve got a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp.
MRS C. (Flustered laying table) Emma! apologize to† Gemma at once!
EMMA† (sarcastic) Oh Iím so sorry, did I say you looked like a bulldog? Please forgive me your actually more like a dachshund, short and stumpy!
EMMA & GEMMA TOGETHER (Whine) Mum!
I lied the pantomime script is not listed in full
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