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Beauty and the Beast
Pantomime script by Alistair Clinton
Running time: 2hrs (including 15minute interval)
Enter Dame Stage Left (SL)
DAME: Hello boys & girls (audience response). I expect you think I’m beauty, don’t you?
(Angry response to imaginary remark someone sitting front row) No I’m not the beast!!! You cheeky scoundrel!
I am Mrs Clap, housekeeper to the inventor professor Von Sleep and his daughter, Beauty Sleep.
(Sits and preens) You see the family needed a housekeeper who was sophisticated, cultured with brains as well as looks, a woman with(Interrupted by Prof Enter Stage Right(SR))
PROF : (Engrossed taking to himself whilst scribbling in notebook) A huge bottom, yes, yes, yes! a really, really huge bottom, it’s got to be at least 60ft wide.
DAME: What ! What do you mean a huge bottom 60ft wide. Professor Von Sleep how dare you!
PROF: (Keeps scribbling in notebook) No sorry, its got to be 60ft at least, bare minimum, I cant go less than that otherwise it couldn’t support the great weights dangling above.
DAME: Pardon ?
PROF: New fishing boat I’m designing! Awfully exciting! By making her bottom wider it should support bigger cranes so haul in a bigger catch. This idea could restore the family fortune (continues absorbed in scribbling note book)
DAME: Humph I’ve heard that before, and if you hadn’t spent it all on stupid inventions it wouldn’t’ need restoring.
BEAUTY: (Enter Beauty SR Carrying coat & hat) Mrs C don’t be horrible to Daddy, you know it upsets him when you talk about his inventions like that
DAME: (sarcastic) I am sorry Beauty dear, but I haven’t been paid since your dear mother died 6 years ago, I’m a little tetchy. This family used to be wealthy and respected until he started inventing things.
BEAUTY: Oh please don’t be horrid to Daddy; he is a genius, a great inventor!
DAME: That’s right he invented going broke! It takes real genius to spend your entire fortune on inventions that don’t work
PROF: I admit I may have had a few set backs due to teething problems but sooner or later I’ll come up with a brilliant idea that will restore our fortune.
BEAUTY: I know you will daddy! Daddy’s inventions were ahead of their time, just mis-understood. Daddy invented the aeroplane.
DAME: That’s right! The first aeroplane with lead wings. Everyone said it would never get off the ground. But they were wrong! – It fell through the floor
PROF: Yes that was stupid of me, should have reinforced the floor, Mrs Singh in the flat below was awfully nice about it.
DAME: That was because after she came too, she couldn’t remember anything!
BEAUTY: Well, sometimes things go wrong, as daddy says the one percent we call success is based on the ninety nine percent we call failure.
DAME: Well he’s a hundred percent failure!
BEAUTY. Don’t listen to her Daddy, she’s in one of her moods. Don’t forget daddy invented the Jet engine!
DAME: That’s right ! The famous jet engine.! I’d forgotten about that! Inventing the first jet engine and nobody but him would have strapped it to a donkeys back.
PROF: Ass actually!
DAME: No I definitely saw it strapped to the poor beasts back
PROF: No the correct name for the species is an Ass, from the Latin term, Asinus. Or you could use the scientific term equus asinus. The term Donkey only came into use because Ass has an unfortunate similarity to a slang word for the human backside. Apparently people kept using it for jokes in pantomimes.
DAME: Well I hoped you kissed your ass goodbye, coz after you started the Jet engine it was last seen orbiting Jupiter
PROF: Yes poor old Dobbin, I felt very bad about that!. Fuel mixture wasn’t quite right.
DAME: Oh is that what it was ! Silly me I thought it was coz some great lummox strapped it to a Donkey
BEAUTY: Daddy don’t listen to her!. I’ve got your coat and hat, are you ready? (starts putting coat on prof)
PROF: (Puzzled) Ready? Ready for what my dear?
BEAUTY: Daddy it’s the convention today !
PROF: Convention? What convention?
BEAUTY: The scientific convention! The one you are showing your new invention for navigation at !
PROF: Oh you silly girl ! That’s not until December!
BEAUTY: It is December daddy (Puts hat on Profs head)
PROF: Are you sure? Yesterday it was only April?
DAME: Give me strength! Some people don’t know what day it is, he doesn’t know what month!
PROF: Oh but I do I’ll check the digital calendar I invented, (Gets out gadget looks at it) see it’s not December its rebmess-ed . Rebmess-ed? I didn’t know there was a month named that? Is it a new one?
BEAUTY: (sigh) No father it’s December backwards, you’ve got it upside down (turns gadget in Profs hand over)
PROF: (reading gadget) Good heavens its December ! December, Oh golly, the convention !, I’ll be late ! My coat where’s my coat ? (looking around flustered) my coat dear, I need my coat (Asks audience ‘can anyone see my coat’)
DAME: Your wearing it !
PROF: (noticing coat) God bless my soul so I am !! My hat I need my hat ? (to audience) Boys and Girls can you see my hat ? I must find my hat ! (audience response)
DAME (points finger up in the air meaning hat is on his head)
PROF: (looks up) Is Dobbin coming back ?
BEAUTY: Daddy it’s on your head
PROF: (finds hat) Good gracious what’s it doing there ?
DAME: (Dry) Keeping the big empty space underneath warm!
PROF: Now where’s my new navigation invention?
BEAUTY: (takes compass off table gives to prof) Here it is Daddy
PROF: Thank you dear, this will revolutionise navigation and restore the family fortune or my names not umm, oh err…..(cant remember)
DAME: Great Lummox ?
PROF: No it wasn’t Lumox, Von Sleep! Or my names not Professor Von Sleep
DAME: (takes compass off prof) This new invention looks suspiciously like a compass ? If so your about five hundred years too late inventing it.
PROF: No a compass always points North, this points where you want to go!
DAME: So it points down the pub!
PROF: No it points where you want to go!
DAME: Well it must be broke coz you always end up down the pub!
BEAUTY: How does it work daddy?
PROF: Well you say where you want to go and the needle points in that direction.
DAME: Really? How does it work then ?
PROF: Well actually I’m not quite sure, I haven’t had time to study it. A very nice Irish chap in the pub tried to sell me a horse for a hundred pounds. He had it. Said it was a magic compass from the leprechauns. He wouldn’t sell it at any price.
DAME: Wait a minute the rent money was a hundred pounds. I gave you the hundred pounds to give to the landlord. You great lummox you’ve spent the rent money on some old nag.
PROF: No of course not. Do you think I’m some kind of idiot.
DAME: I know exactly what kind of idiot you are, the stupid kind who buys a horse with our rent money.
BEAUTY: Don’t be horrible; daddy didn’t use the rent money to buy a horse! Did you daddy?
PROF: Certainly not! I got the horse for free.
DAME: Well things may be looking up a free horse is alright. How come he gave you a horse for free.
PROF: (Enthusiastically) I bought the magic compass for a hundred pounds and the man said I could have the horse for free. He said he’d never met anyone who haggled like me!
DAME: I just can’t think why.
PROF: Oh yes I really pulled one over on that Irish chap. As he said himself (Irish Accent) “I was hoping to sell this nag to some idjit for ten pounds. Now I’ve given the nag away for free, and sold me prized leprechaun magic compass for a mere hundred pounds” Funny chap! Ran off laughing.
BEAUTY: (Downhearted) Oh Daddy you’ve spent our rent money on a, a, compass!
DAME: (Dazed) I don’t believe it. I just don’t believe it. I mean if you came home with some magic beans at least we could do Jack and the Beanstalk. A magic compass ? A magic compass ? you great lummox its not magic!
PROF: Of course not, that’s superstitious nonsense, of course its not magic. If I can study it and establish the scientific principles that make it work then we will be rich. I’ve decided to call it a voice activated compass.
BEAUTY Oh Daddy!
PROF: The horse will save on bus fairs to the convention. Now where is he? (Whistles) common boy, common, (clip clop sound effects) Here he comes ENTER HORSE STAGE LEFT MOVES CENTRE STAGE
BEAUTY Oh daddy he’s lovely! (Stroking horse which likes it)
DAME: It’s a flee bitten old rag and bone nag!
HORSE GIVES ANGRY WHINNEY AT DAME
PROF: No not all. The man in the pub said he used to be a race horse, a Derby winner.
DAME: Derby winner? The only thing that old nags ever won is first prize for worst looking cart horse.
BEAUTY: Oh don’t! You’ll hurt his feelings (strokes horses head which horse enjoys) I think he’s lovely. What’s his name?
PROF: Well he’s got a rather strange name.
BEAUTY: What’s he called daddy?
PROF: he’s called Whinny the wee
DAME: Whinny the wee? Why on earth is he called that?
PROF: Well the man just said I’ll find out
(Horse gives a loud Whinny and person in back of horse lifts leg and squirts water pistol thru hole in costume underside midsection onto floor say 3 short squirts as Dame must be able to actually mop it up as described below)
DAME: My clean floor !! My clean floor!! Move over you flea bitten cart horse (pushes horse forward bends over behind horse, backside to horse, cleaning floor with rag. (Muttering about flea bitten nags, working her fingers to the bone etc)
(Horse looks back at dame, looks at audience, back leg lifts as if to kick, give a laughing whinny and kicks Dames posterior knocking her flat on her face)
PROF: (exclaims) Oh I say good shot ! (Without sincerity) um no I mean that was jolly naughty, bad horse, very bad horse, bad bad bad.
BEAUTY: Oh Mrs C, Mrs C (rushes round to help Dame) Are you alright
DAME: I feel like I’ve been kicked by a horse right in the Donkey, (rubbing backside)
PROF: Lucky you had plenty of padding
DAME: Don’t push it! Look at my floor I’m sure it’s permanently stained.
PROF: Well look on the brightside, it could have been worse.
DAME: Worse? Worse? How could it have been worse? He’s just wee wee’d all over my polished floor.
PROF: He could have been called Winnie the Pooh!
DAME: (Angry) That’s it, that is it!. We’ll sell this Derby donkey as soon as you get back (horse hangs head) we’ll probably only be able to sell him for dog food (nastily to horse) so he’ll get the chop (draws finger across throat – Horse begins to tremble with knees knocking)
BEAUTY: Oh don’t your scaring him, (comforts horse) don’t worry boy we wont let anyone hurt you, will we boys and girls (audience response)
PROF: Yes I’m sure he’s a good work horse, we could use him to plough the field and grow some food, and you’ll work from dawn to dusk wont you boy? (horse shakes head for No)
BEAUTY: Daddy you must get going or you’ll be late
PROF: Late for what ?
DAME: The convention!
PROF: What convention? Oh gosh the convention! Common boy, (goes to mount horse several times, and each time horse moves away) I think he’s nervous. Perhaps I’d better walk him a while (leads horse)
BEAUTY: Have you got your map Daddy?
PROF: Map, good heavens child I don’t need a map I have my voice activated compass, look. (Holds up compass to mouth and says) Convention. (studies compass) see its that way (points stage right and leads horse a few steps looks at compass again) Um, it might be that way (indicates stage left – leads horse that way) Common boy (to horse) hi, ho, Winnie the wee and away (horse does loud whinny and wees as before, - prof and horse both pause to look at dame who throws rag down onto floor in disgust, hands on hips furious) Best we make a quick exit, come on old chap (Exit Prof and Horse stage left)
DAME: (picks up rag gets down on knees wiping up water in scrubbing action, Beauty gets down and helping – both kneeling facing audience scrubbing) Great lummox, wasting money on rubbish and a useless nag, that mans a fool
BEAUTY: (getting upset) Oh please don’t be horrible to Daddy he tries he’s best
DAME: (ranting) Tries his best, tries his best! I’d hate to see him do his worst. This family used to be wealthy, respectable. Now its broke because of that idiot, he’s squandered your inheritance on useless inventions (Beauty starts crying)
BEAUTY: (sobbing) Oh please stop, please stop, he’s my Daddy and I love him, he cant help it (sobs into hands)
DAME: (pauses scrubbing & ranting to look at audience for ahhhs) (gently) I’m sorry dear, I love you both that’s why I stay. I just get a bit testy sometimes
BEAUTY: We’ve still got some money, were not totally broke
DAME: I’m sorry dear there’s no money at all it’s long gone
BEAUTY: (still sobbing) Then how do we pay the rent and buy food
DAME: Well I do a bit or ironing, and cleaning and washing in the village, I scrub floors and just about earn enough for us to live on.
BEAUTY: Oh that explains what I heard Mrs Smith say to Mrs Jones in the post office
DAME: What did she say?
BEAUTY: (Begins scrubbing floor and says innocently) She said you were a right scrubber! You must be very good at cleaning for her to say that!
DAME: (Stops scrubbing - dryly) Oh did she, I’ll have a word with Mrs Smith and give her my thanks
BEAUTY: Oh what are we going to do ? my poor Daddy
DAME: Oh something will turn up. Perhaps some handsome beast of a man, with lots of money and a big house will want to marry you.
BEAUTY: I doubt that will happen
DAME: No I doubt it too, but we can live in hope. Now dear I have to get down to the village I’m doing washing and ironing for Mrs Roberts. If you could sweep up for me.
BEAUTY: Yes of course I’ll have the house spick and span by the time you get back. EXIT DAME. (Gets broom and begins sweeping.) Oh wouldn’t that be nice if some beast of a man, a prince that I would fall in love with
Song No.1 – Beauty Sings
Scene 1 Act II - Bestest Friends
Enter in Rush SL - ‘Chelle, Shaz, and Vicky cluster round Beauty as ‘best friends
CHELLE: Hello Barbie I’m your bestest friend aint I
SHAZ: Shuddup Chelle, I’m her best friend, aint that right Bunty?
BEAUTY: My name is Beauty
VICKY: Naa, leave it out Shazza, I’m her bestest friend,
CHELLE: How can you be her bestest friend Vicky, you aint got no friends
VICKY: Yeah but, no but, Yeah but, no but, Shaz aint got no friends neither, so that’s two more friends than you’ve got
SHAZ: Am I bovvered! I have too, Bambi here is my bestest friend ever since, …. Well forever and a long time ago
BEAUTY: Well its very nice you want to be friends but before when I’ve tried to be friendly you’ve just blanked me. And my name is Beauty!
VICKY: Yeah but, no but, yeah but, that’s coz we don’t like you, and yeah but, no but, Trish Yates said her mate Fiona Davis said Dwayne Chav was coming up to ask you out.
CHELLE: So now were your best friends! You don’t want to go out with that Dwayne, he’s a real pig
SHAZ: She’s saying that coz he dumped her. Dwayne said her eye liner made him feel sick, reminded him of that psycho-dalek art
CHELLE: No I dumped him; I dumped him, after he said that I said to him, ‘your dumped you are! Anyhow he dumped you last Tuesday after you belched in his face.
SHAZ : Yeah I couldn’t help it, I’ve got a medical condition called flat-u-face and its very serious and everything
VICKY: Yeah but, no but, yeah but, we heard about your medical condition, and actually its coz your really ugly, that’s a medical fact that is, Doctor said so, didn’t he Chelle.
SHAZ: Am I bovvered! Am I bovvered
CHELLE: (Too Vicky) Yeah that’s right, you got the same condition too cept worse, that’s why Dwayne fancies me ! He said I looked dead gorgeous
SHAZ:! No, I was there! I was there! Dwayne just said you looked dead.
VICKY: Yeah but, no but, yeah but, Fiona Davis said Trisha Yates told her, Dwayne said Chelle smelt like summit dead
CHELLE: Shut-up, I’m wearing expensive perfume, (Gets out bottle from handbag with ‘Poisson’) Look it’s called Poison, it cost me three quid down the pound shop
SHAZ: Best you drink it then
VICKY: Yeah but, no but, that aint spelt right it’s got two S’s and no E or Y or Z or nothin
CHELLE: Shut-up that’s how you spell it in French or Turkish or summit.
SHAZ: In French that’s poisson, that means fish! That’s why you reek like a kipper
VICKY : Yeah but, no but, she smelt like that before she got the perfume
CHELLE: Shuddup he’s coming
ENTER SL - DWAYNE CHAV
VICKY/CHELLE/SHAZ: (all girly together putting on ‘posh’ voices) Coo-ee hello Dwayne
DWAYNE: Hi babes
SHAZ: What a surprise seeing you here,
CHELLE: Were here seeing my best friend Bunty
BEAUTY: My name is Beauty
SHAZ: I was just saying to Barbie,
SHAZ: Am I bovvered! I was just saying to her (Gestures at Beauty) I’m not doing anything tonight; I’m not doing anything at all Dwaynee, (bats eyes coyly)
CHELLE (Jealous at Shaz) What a coincidence neither am I, and I’ve got two tickets to go and see (name of current boy band/girl band) at (name or nearby village/town) tonight!
VICKY Shut-up! They’re rubbish ! Dwayne wouldn’t want to see them, and not with no minger like you.
DWAYNE: Sorry babes, tonight I’m asking Beauty out for a Big Mac meal (Looks at Beauty to see she’s impressed)
CHELLE/SHAZ/VICKY – (impressed) Oooooooh
DWAYNE: (Looking at Beauty) And I’m going to supersize the meal.
CHELLE/SHAZ/VICKY – (even more impressed) Ooooooh
SHAZ Here Chelle he didn’t buy you a big Mac meal when he took you out
VICKY And it wasn’t supersize or nuffin
CHELLE Whatever! Dwayne just sat in front of me and ate his coz I wasn’t hungry.
DWAYNE: Sorry Chelle babe, I didn’t have any of them buy one get one free tokens when I took you out! Anyhow you need to loose some weight!
VICKY/SHAZ – Oooh Dwayne says your fat
CHELLE: Whatever! Am I bothered! Anyhow I’m voluptuous
VICKY: Yeah but, no but, yeah but, what does that mean?
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