The pantomime script for The Wizard of Oz is shown below. For a perusal copy of the script it can be emailed to you in MS Word format. I also have other pantomime scripts shown in full (click on the link above for the list). These scripts were written for our village pantomime, played in a village hall so well suited to all the limitations of sceneary etc typical for amateur panto productions. t.
. EMAIL SCRIPT REQUESTS. Obviously some parts are specific to Doddington but that just needs replacing your own location names etc. If your writing your own pantomime scripts of interest may be Paul Harris's book, containing pantomime sketches and many traditional panto gags, an excellent resource if writing panto scripts, just a shame theres not more of it. Click on the book picture to buy it. If your looking for sheet music for pantomimes try looking on Ebay for affordable pantomime music Sheet Music on Ebay for pantomimes
I have other panto scripts for pantomimes available to view just click on the link above for pantomime scripts
from the MGM musical The Wizard of (1939) Starring Judy Garland &
L. Frank Baum's The Wonderful
Wizard of Oz (published in 1900)
Loosely adapted from the MGM musical The Wizard of (1939) Starring Judy Garland & L. Frank Baum's The Wonderful Wizard of Oz (published in 1900)
The Wizard Of Dodd Pantomime
Music of Hurricane – crash bang wallops etc - Hurricane Music stops
ENTER DOROTHY, ‘appears’ in hall thru Fire Exit Doors from back of audience to middle of centre aisle
audience & dog) There’s
a hurricane coming, oh Toto we must get in doors, we can’t stay in
the hall, its not insured for hurricanes, (Dorothy hurries up aisle to exit through side door below
stage) Hurricane music
starts briefly & stops
SCENE 1 DODDIELAND
Dorothy (From window)
I’m glad the hurricane over wasn’t it frightening.
Look Toto it lifted my whole house & dropped it here. wherever
here is, (ENTER STAGE RIGHT) Well its not
ENTER STAGE LEFT Good Fairy Glinda (whilst Dorothy has her back turned)
Glinda (Sweetly) Perhaps I can help you ?
Dorothy (Made jump by Glinda ) How do you do. I’m Dorothy & this is my dog Toto, were from Kansas.( curtsey to Glinda)
Glinda (Sweetly) I’m Glinda the good fairy.
Dorothy A hurricane picked my house up & dropped it here, where ever here is.?
Glinda (sweetly) Well my dear, you’ve
landed in the nicest & most magical place in all of
Dorothy Oh my, I’m sure it’s very nice but I really want to get home to Kansas. (Looks around) there’s not many people about are there
Glinda (Sweetly) Oh the Doddies are hiding my dear, because they are frightened
Dorothy Frightened? Oh my! Not of me surely ?
Glinda (laughing) No my dear, they are frightened of the wicked Witch of Eastling (Eastling is a neighbouring village you could use a nearby place or stick with Witch of the East)
Dorothy (Worried looking around) Oh my, a wicked Witch, where?
Glinda (matter of factly) Moves to Stage Right to view house/corpse Dorothy follows Mmm mostly under your front room I should say, perhaps partly under the kitchen as well
Dorothy Pardon me
Glinda You dropped your house on her dear, you squashed the wicked Witch of Eastling flat as a pancake. Look (pointing) theres her legs sticking out under your house
Dorothy (looks at legs with slippers on & is distressed) Oh my, it was an accident really it was, the hurricane blew my house, I didn’t mean too honestly, I’m so sorry, really I am, oh my, it was an accident…………..
Glinda (laughing) Oh don’t worry my dear. She was a mean & horrible thing. You’ve done the Doddies a favour they will be so pleased. Come out, come out all of you (to Doddies) its quite safe. Dorothy has killed the Wicked Witch of Eastling there’s nothing to be scared of.
(Dorothy & Glinda
move to centre rear of stage)
Doddie1 moves to Stage Right to view corpse,
Other Doddies crowd front centre stage watching Doddie1 apprehensively
at/taps corpse’s feet with foot)
Doddie2 (joking to other Doddies & audience) I know, I know, How about…………“Home Sickness”!
Doddie3 (joking to other Doddies & audience) Or what about……….. “Dwelling on the brain”
Doddie4 (Deadpan) Or frost bite (Doddie4 is a bit thick)
All other Doddies frost bite?
Doddie1 (Gesturing to house) How did she get frost bite with a house on top of her?
Doddie4 (Dead pan) It might not have had central heating
Crack of firework ENTER STAGE LEFT Wicked Witches (Threatening),
Doddies cower away from Witches into rear STAGE RIGHT
Dorothy & Glinda move FRONT CENTER STAGE
Dorothy (To Glinda ) Oh my who’s that?
Glinda Well its not the district nurse,(pause) They are wicked Witches of course
Doddie4 (dead pan – move to front STAGE RIGHT near Glinda) Can she look at my verucca?
Sw.Betty (evilly to Doddie4) Do I look like the district nurse you idiot?
Anita Repeater. Idiot Idiot Idiot (Anita repeater repeats things)
Doddie4 (dead pan) New uniform is it? (Retires back to rear stage right)
Dorothy (to Glinda ) Oh my, I thought you said the wicked Witch was dead?
Glinda That was the wicked Witch of Eastling, these are her sister’s, Sweaty Betty & Anita Repeater, the wicked Witches of Wichling. There are two of them so they’re twice as bad as their sister was.
Anita Rep. (Looks at corpse stage right) She always said she wanted to be thin thin thin. (moves back to Sw.Betty)
Sw.Betty Well she’s slimmer of the year now. Who did this to our sister?
Anita Rep. Who did it, did it, did it?
Dorothy Oh my, I am very sorry, I didn’t mean to drop my house on her, you see it was an accident, I just want to get home to Kansas. There was a hurricane and…………
Sw.Betty (Moves menacingly towards Dorothy) Well we can cause accidents too.
Anita Rep. (Menacing at Dorothy) Accidents, Accidents, Accidents!
Sw.Betty Nobody flattens our sister & gets away with it
Anita Rep. Nobody, Nobody, Nobody!
Glinda Aren’t you forgetting something?
Sw.Betty (Mimic Glinda) “Aren’t you forgetting something”
Anita Rep. (Mimic Glinda) “forgetting something”
Sw.Betty you goody two shoes make me sick
Anita Rep. Sick Sick Sick
Doddie4. Would you like a bucket dear?
Sw.Betty You think you’re so superior.
Anita Rep. Superior superior superior
Sw.Betty Well your not, we are!
Glinda You always wanted your sisters’ slippers, the red ones with the little pom poms on.
Sw.Betty Yes! Those beautiful slippers with those gorgeous pom poms,
Anita Rep. Those gorgeous pom poms, where are they?
Glinda (to Dorothy) Quick put the slippers on
(Doddie1 takes slippers off corpse & helps Dorothy put them on then retires back)
Sw.Betty You stay out of this Glinda, if you know what’s good for you. Those slippers are ours!
Dorothy (With slippers on) Oh my, are they magic slippers is that why they want them?
Glinda No dear, they are just too mean to buy their own
Sw.Betty (to audience) Those slippers cost £4.99 in Woolworth’s
Anita Rep. And were going to have them
Glinda (to audience) Oh no your not (Oh yes you are oh no your nots between Witches & Glinda /Doddies)
Glinda (to Witches) You have no power in Doddington; begone before someone drops a house on you
Doddie2 (seriously to Witches) Or a bungalow
Doddie3 (seriously to Witches) Or a cottage
Doddie4 (deadpan) Or a potato
All on stage A Potato?
Doddie4 (deadpan) if a Potato ever hits you you’ll know about it!
Writing a Panto
Sw.Betty Curses, alright my pretties
Anita Rep. We’ll settle with you all later,
Sw.Betty Especially you (to Dorothy)
Anita Rep. (Extra vehement) Especially you, you, you!, (to Dorothy)
Sw.Betty We’ll get you my pretty, & your little dog too,
Anita Rep. (nicely - goes to stroke Toto), Ahh what a cute little doggy (Sw.Betty slaps h& away)
Sw.Betty You see if we don’t, we’ll bide our time you wait & see,
Anita Rep. Those slippers will be ours, you wait & see (cackle from both witches)
Crack of firework – EXIT WITCHES STAGE LEFT
Doddie4 (walks to where Witches exit calling after Witches, ends up front stage left) What about my verucca?
Doddie2 (To Doddie4, join Doddie4 front stage left) That was sweaty Betty & Anita Repeater, the wicked Witches of Wichling
Doddie4 (deadpan) Only part time district nurses are they?
Doddie3 (joins Doddie4 & 2) They dont like Dorothy that’s for sure
Dorothy Oh my, do you think I’ve upset them?
Glinda (ironic) Just a bit dear. I think the quicker you get home the better.
Dorothy But that’s all I want, to get home to Kansas. Do you know the way?
Glinda (To Doddies) Isn’t Kansas the other side of Faversham? (Faversham is a local town - substitute your own)
Doddie1 No that’s Canterbury, but the wizard will know
Doddie2 That’s right the wizard will know
Doddie3 Yes the wizard he knows everything
Doddie4 You sure Kansas isn’t the other side of Faversham?
Glinda You definitely need to ask the Wizard
Dorothy The wizard?
Glinda The amazing, all-powerful, wonderful Wizard of Dodd. He is a very good wizard, if you ask him I’m sure he will help you
Dorothy Oh good, but how do I find the Wizard of Dodd?
Glinda Oh he lives on the other side of the rainbow, in a magical place called the Emerald City. If he’s not there he’ll be in the Chequers.(local pub)
Dorothy But how do I get to the Emerald City?
(Doddies form line across stage)
Doddie1 (Dorothy moves to doddies) Just follow the Yellow brick road
Doddie2 Follow the yellow brick road
Doddie3 Follow the yellow brick road
Doddie4 Up the M2 dear (M2 is the nearest Motorway - substitute your own)
Dorothy (Ignores Doddie4) I just have to follow the yellow brick road?
Glinda & Doddies move to rear centre stage, waving goodbye to Dorothy (who is top of the stairs leading off stage to audience)
Glinda (Calling to Dorothy) Good luck Dorothy, just follow the yellow brick road & somewhere over the rain bow you will find your hearts desire. (Curtains Close)
Dorothy (From top of stairs) Oh Toto, do you think there is such a place, somewhere over the rainbow?
SCENE2 – ON
THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD (WOODS)
(On stage scarecrow in scarecrow pose rear of stage)
ENTER COWARDLY LION STAGE RIGHT
Lion (IRISH ACCENT - To audience nervously looking around)
I don’t mind telling you these woods
make me nervous. Not that I’m scared of course, (bragging) I’m a
black belt In origami, a lethal weapon, the Mel Gibson of the animal
world, except I’m better looking of course. Boxing champion of the forest
me, (shadow box, ali shuffle, dancing around jabbing)
hard as nails.
Frank Bruno I’d knock him into a Fiat Uno
Prince Naseem – Has been
Mike Tyson, No Class, I’d kick his……………. (Loud sound of whoopee cushion/fart)
Lion (Pick on person in front row. No actual replies required
from audience - adapt to person if
they are responsive) Now did you have to let one go
while I was talking (name of person if appropriate)
I had me mouth open an everything
What do you mean it wasn’t you?
You’ll be saying it was the scarecrow next!
You are saying it was the scarecrow!
Do you think I’m some kind of idiot?
You do think I’m an idiot!
How would you like a bunch of fives?
How would I like a bunch of tens back? Well I’ll let it go this time
Scarecrow (Comes to life NORFOLK COUNTRY YOKEL ACCENT) Well Pardon me for being so rude, it wasn’t me it was the food. Oh no I cant stay here (waves hand in front of nose) & steps forward. I knew I shouldn’t have had that curry last night
Lion Will you look at that, a talking scarecrow with wind, (running off) don’t hurt me don’t hurt me,(Exit Stage Right)
Scarecrow (Calling after Lion) Its alright I wouldn’t hurt you, I wouldn’t hurt anyone.
(To audience) if only I had had the brains not to have had that curry last night. But that’s the trouble I haven’t got a brain. If only I had a brain.
ENTER LION STAGE RIGHT (Cautiously)
Lion (from wing Stage Right) You sure you wouldn’t hurt me?
Scarecrow I wouldn’t hurt anyone. Anyhow, I thought you said you were a lethal weapon, the Mel Gibson of the animal world?
Lion. Except I’m better looking
Scarecrow Boxing champion of the forest, hard as nails?
Lion Shucks, I’ve never done any boxing, I just try to scare people before they scare me, you see I’m a coward, I don’t have any courage
Scarecrow Why don’t you try being polite to people, then they will be polite to you and you wont get scared?
Lion Now there’s a good idea I’ll try being polite to people then I wont scare them so they wont scare me, you’re a clever to think of that, you’ve got brains.
Scarecrow No I’m not clever and I haven’t got any brains only straw.
Lion Would you be from Newnham by any chance? (Newnham is a neighbouring village - substitute your own)
Scarecrow How I wish I could get a brain. Say, how did you know I was from Newnham?
Lion Oh just a wild guess. If you haven’t got a brain how can you talk?
Scarecrow Oh I don’t know, but some people without brains do an awful lot of talking don’t they?
Lion They do in this village.!!! Look why don’t I test you to see if you have a brain. I will ask you some questions if you can answer them all it proves you must have a brain
ENTER TIN WOMAN STAGE LEFT
Tin Woman (Welsh Accent) Pardon me for interrupting, but I couldn’t help but overhear see.
Lion (Cowering behind scarecrow) Don’t come any closer, I warn you this scarecrow is loaded with chicken Vindaloo so stay back (twists scarecrow round & bends him over so scarecrows backside points at tin woman)
Scarecrow (Pulls himself away from lion) Don’t be so nervous. If your polite to people they will be polite to you. (To tin woman) How do you do. I’m scarecrow, this is my friend lion, he hasn’t got any courage.
Tin Woman Pleased to meet you boyo’s
Lion (to tin woman) Pleased to meet you to be sure
Scarecrow Where are you from, your not local are you ?
Tin Woman Now there’s an absolutely fabulous story. I was actually
designed in Swansea see,
but my head was made in Head-corn.
These arms were bought at great expense from ……….. Arm-itages.
My chest, a marvel of precision engineering that, was made in ……Chest-er.
These (gesturing to Madonna tin boobs) came from Bristol but had to be imported via the French port of Brest, for tax reasons, didn’t want the tax man getting his hands on them see.
My legs came from Leg-bourne in Lincolnshire although my feet were made in Foli-foot in Yorkshire
But I was actually assembled in (Long Welsh place name ending in gogogo) (pause) In Wales.
Scarecrow: I just got stuffed by the farmer & had a broom handle rammed up my…….(interrupted by Lion)
Lion. Well I don’t think we want to hear about that
Tin Woman. My great sadness is that I’m not complete. I was supposed to have had a heart. One was made especially for me in Heart-ley Pool, but it got lost in transit see.
Scarecrow Oh dear, what a shame, where was it lost?
Tin Woman Somewhere in Heart-fordshire & it was never found see. Now I can never feel love, or emotion, or even my own heart beat.
Scarecrow What bad luck not having a heart. Excuse me for asking but shouldn’t you be a tin man?
Lion She sure is ugly enough to be a man
Scarecrow Now what did I say if your polite to others they will be polite to you.
Lion oh err right, well me lovely tin darl’in, you were just going to explain why you're not a tin man
Tin Woman Now there’s another absolutely fabulous story
Lion: Oh no not another story, we’ll be here all night
Scarecrow: You go on, don’t listen to Lion he’s hasn’t got any manners.
Tin Woman (confidentially) You see I was a tin man (looks both ways to make sure no one eavesdropping, lion & scarecrow lean forward to hear) but I sprang a leak in the water works department. Plumber came out said it was very serious; he had to cut of some important pipe work & removed my stopcock see
Lion So it’s a serious bit of plumbing you’ll be looking for then!
ENTER DOROTHY STAGE RIGHT
Dorothy Excuse me is this the right road for the Emerald City?
Lion Now do I look like a tourist guide & anyhow what’s it got to do with you?
Scarecrow (To lion) Now now, what did I say to you about manners? If you’re polite to others they will be polite to you then you wont get scared.
Lion Uh, oh, oh yes, I mean How do you do, I’m Lion this is Scarecrow & Tin woman.
Dorothy (curtsey) How do you do, I’m Dorothy Gale, this is my dog Toto. Were going to the Emerald City to see the Wizard of Dodd.
Scarecrow Your going to see a Wizard?
Dorothy Well you see I need to get home to Kansas & I’m told the Wizard is so good & powerful he can help me.
Tin Woman Could he give me get a heart & err a few other nuts & bolts?
Lion And do you think he could he give me courage?
Scarecrow Could he give me a brain?
Lion & Tin Woman (together) He’s from Newnham
Dorothy He might do, why don’t you ask him?.
Scarecrow Can we come along with you to the Emerald City?
Dorothy Of course you can but I must warn you of something
Lion Uh oh here comes the bad news
Front center stage - All huddle round Dorothy (Lion in centre behind Dorothy) & face audience
Dorothy Wicked Witches are after me
Tin Woman Wicked Witches!
Scarecrow But why are wicked Witches after you?
Lion Who cares I’m out of here (goes to leave scarecrow pulls him back) Oh shucks
Scarecrow (To Lion) Are you a Lion or a mouse?
Lion Give me a bit of cheese & I’ll tell you!
Tin Woman So why are wicked Witches after you Dorothy?
Dorothy Well you see there’s the little matter of where my house is
Scarecrow Didn’t you have planning permission?
Tin Woman You built your house without planning permission & the Witches are on the council?
Lion Ain’t they all
Dorothy Well not exactly, you see there was a hurricane & it picked up my house in Kansas & dropped it on the Witches sister, the wicked Witch of Eastling
Tin Woman So the wicked Witch of Eastling is the Witch which wants you
Dorothy No that’s the dead Witch, which my house dropped on, which killed her.
Scarecrow So which are the Witches, which want you?
Dorothy The wicked Witches of Wichling
Lion All this talk of Witches is making me hungry; you know what I could eat right now?
Scarecrow What could you possibly want to eat at a time like this?
Lion (to audience) A sand-Witch
Tin Woman I’ll go with you Dorothy to the Emerald City. I’m not scared of Witches. The boys & girls will help us & keep a lookout for any Witches. (To audience) Boys & girls if you see any witches will you shout & warn us?
ENTER WICKED WITCHES STAGE LEFT(creeping up behind Lion, Dorothy, Scarecrow, Tinwoman)
Audience shout behind you etc Dorothy & others play dumb not now when you see a Witches etc, where are there witches? Dorothy & others do full circle Witches moves to stay behind them as they turn
EXIT WICKED WITCHES STAGE RIGHT
Tin Woman Well say what you like boyos I’m not scared of no one
Scarecrow Then I’m not scared neither, Witches or no Witches I’ll come with you.
Lion Well I am scared, but you’re not leaving me here on my own in these woods with Witches about.
Dorothy Oh my, were all off to see the Wizard!
Lion Dorothy Scarecrow & Tinman enter thru side door (CURTAINS CLOSED) Cathedral Style Door prop marked ‘Emerald City’ with 2 door knockers now at top of short stairs onto stage
Dorothy Oh my, this must be the Emerald City but how do we get in?
Scarecrow Look there be a door
Lion Someone’s going to have to knock on the door, & it ain’t going to be me that’s for sure
Tin Woman Well look see, someone will have to knock
Dorothy We’ll I’ll knock (Dorothy goes up to door)
Scarecrow What a lovely pair of knockers
Lion I like a nice pair of big ones that I can get my paws around
Dorothy Pardon me?
Tin Woman I prefer small tin ones myself, ones that nestle in the palm of your hand.
Dorothy (Puts hand on a door knocker) Oh these door knockers (Dorothy makes as if to lift door knocker to knock)
Guard (Comes thru curtains) Get your hands off my knockers
(Dorothy recoils downstairs back to others)
Dorothy I do beg your pardon, can we come in, were here to see the Wizard?
Guard Well that depends, we don’t allow any old riff raff into the Emerald City you know, do you have an appointment?
Scarecrow Well actually no we don’t but you see………….
Guard Then you can’t come in, page 118, paragraph C, sub section ‘D’ of the Emerald City rules clearly states & I quote “no visitors without an appointment”
Lion Well now could we have a look at these rules ?
Guard Well that depends, do you have an appointment?
Tin Woman (irritated) Look ere boyo, we’ve already said we don’t have an appointment see
Guard Don’t you take that tone with me you tin can on legs. Don’t you know who I am? I’m a very important Emerald City official, I’m…. ‘Person Responsible All Things’. (Spell) P.R.A.T. for short
Lion. Now there’s a thing, as soon as I saw you I knew that was what you were.
Scarecrow We don’t mean to be rude, but we would like to come in
Guard I’ve already said you can’t come in, page 118, paragraph C, sub section ‘D’ of the Emerald City rules clearly states & I quote “no visitors without an appointment” So clear off I’m busy.
Dorothy Oh but we’ve come so far & we need the help of the Wizard
Guard You need help?
Dorothy Yes I need to get home to Kansas
Tin Woman (To audience) & I need a heart an a few other missing bits.
Lion (To audience) I have to get some courage
Scarecrow (To audience) & I need a brain
Guard Well the village auction is in March you might find what you want then, now hop it.
Dorothy (Dejected) Oh no we’ve come so far, were tired & frightened, & two witches are after me, we have to see the Wizard
Guard Wicked Witches! Why didn’t you say that in the first place, what’s the magic word & I’ll let you in?
Tin Woman Shim shim Salabim
Guard Nope that was last year
Guard Ahh I love that story, but nope that’s not the magic word neither
Dorothy (excited) I know, I know, (all wait expectantly) Is it open sesame?
Guard No, no, no, that was last year as well! You’ve been watching too many panto’s
Scarecrow (crestfallen) We don’t know the magic word
Guard Don’t you have any manners the magic word is PLEASE!
Lion (to scarecrow) See if your polite to people they’ll be polite to you
Scarecrow Please may we see the Wizard of Dodd?
Guard (Move to front stage right) Very well I will announce you
Dorothy/Tinwoman/scarecrow/lion move towards door & line up stairs in that order lion at rear
Guard Where are you going?
Lion (To audience) We have to go in thru the door don’t we
Scarecrow (To audience) That is the usual way in somewhere
Guard Well we don’t do that here, its against the rules, anyhow its just a panto prop it doesn’t even open
Dorothy (to Guard) Oh my, then why is it there?
Guard (Picking up door) Well I like to get my knockers out once in a while so people can see them
(Guard slides door prop off stage by musicians & stays front stage left)
Tin Woman How do we get in then?
Guard Like I said I have to announce you
Tin Woman Well announce us then
Guard What’s the magic word then? (To audience) What’s the magic word boys & girls?
(Louder I cant hear you etc with audience to shout)
Guard (As in boxing ring announcer)My lords, ladies & Gentlemen, presenting someone even more spectacular than the village fireworks display, more intoxicating than the village pub, a bigger bargain than the village auction, more butch than the village butcher, the darling of the women’s institute, the one, the only, magnificent, magical, Wizaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard of Dodd.
Rock & Roll Music Starts
SCENE 4 – THE EMERALD CITY
Guard (Front stage left) Your majesty you have visitors
Elvis Excited (front stage right) Is it those groovy hard working chicks from the Women’s Institute again?
Guard No your greatness members of the general public
Elvis (pelvis & music to er uh) Er uh
Guard ushers on stage Dorothy Tin Woman , Scarecrow & Lion
Dorothy (Nervously curtseys) Please sir, I’m Dorothy from Kansas can you help me get home?
Elvis (pelvis & music to er uh) Er uh
Tin Woman Oh marvelous majesty could you help me I haven’t got a heart?
Elvis (pelvis & music to er uh) Say honey that’s a real cute accent, where are you from?
Tin Woman Well now there’s an absolutely fabulous story see, (opens mouth to go on)
Lion & Scarecrow ( Interrupts) From Wales!
Tin Woman Oh, right oh, Well there’s the matter of my other missing bits (whispers in Elvis’s ear)
Elvis Sorry darlin, I’m a Wizard not a plumber, try down the garage, there’s lots of nuts there.
Tin Woman moves to one side
Scarecrow Oh magnificent one I haven’t got a brain
Elvis (pelvis & music to er uh) You from Newnham man?
Scarecrow Yes, how did you know I was from Newnham?
Elvis Just a wild guess man! (scarecrow joins Dorothy & Tin Woman)
Lion I’m afraid
Elvis Of me?
Lion (whining) Of Everybody (Runs to others & cowers behind scarecrow)
Elvis (pelvis & music to er uh) Er uh
Dorothy (moves front center stage Curtsey’s) Please your greatness, Glinda the Good Fairy said you might be able to help us
Elvis Well darlin I would help, but you will have to help me first
Lion (moves up to Dorothy) I knew there would be a catch
Scarecrow (lion & scarecrow join Dorothy & lions) How can we help you?
Elvis Well my favourite guitar has been stolen ya all. Those Wichling Witches chicks they done took it. You get ma strings back & I’ll help you. Could make a short song here out of song titles, ‘since my baby left me, ‘i’ve been all shook up’ ‘then witchs aint nothing but hound dogs crying all the time’
Writing a Panto
Dorothy Oh my, those witches don’t like me at all.
Tin Woman Where would we find these Witches?
Elvis Well darlin, they live in a big old castle up in the hills just go through the haunted wood & you’re there baby
Lion Yyyyyou mean haunted as in gggghosts
Elvis Yeah man, & there’s a few tigers, bears, & other mean critters
Dorothy OH My, ghosts, & tigers, & bears, oh my
Scarecrow & Dorothy (together) OH My, ghosts, & tigers, & bears, oh my
Scarecrow, Dorothy & Tin Woman (together) OH My, ghosts, & tigers, & bears, oh my
Lion (Alone) Ggghosts, & ttttigers, & bbbears, Oh mummy, I need a stiff drink
Elvis That’s mighty neighborly of you pussy cat, mines a bourbon
Dorothy Mines a G & T thanks
Scarecrow A pint of Early Bird for me
Tin woman 5 Litres of Castrol GTX please
Lion (To audience) Oh shucks they catch me every time. We’re off down the pub so there will now be a 15-minute interval while we get some Dutch courage
SCENE 5 – TH
Lion (continued) These are friends indeed
Who well share your laughter & your tears
Resolute to the end
One for all & all for one
What Noble friends I have
Friends that will not desert me
That I can rely on in a crisis
This gives me courage because I know I am not alone
With my friends standing behind me…
(Lion looks over lef shoulder, see’s ghost who waves cheerily - lion waves back, Lion looks over right should sees ghosts (same as before)
Lion (Turns back to audience ‘Starts’ as he realizes what he has seen) Oh Shucks
EXIT LION - Chased by Ghosts who come straight back on to front centre stage
Ghost1 That was fun
Ghost3 Like he’d seen a ghost (all laugh)
Ghost4 Well what are we going to do now?
Ghost1 I dunno, what are we going to do?
Ghost2 I dunno, what are we going to do?
Ghost3 Oh don’t start that again, we were here 50 years last time saying ‘I dunno what are we going to do’.
Ghost4 Well what are we going to do?
Ghost3 I dunno, what are we going to do?
Ghost1 I know lets get something to eat
Ghost2 Good idea, fish & chips?
Ghost3 No I fancy mash
Ghost4 Monster Mash?
ENTER SCARECROW & TINWOMAN Backing onto stage (from opposite sides) nervously looking for ghosts & bump into each other with a shout
Scarecrow (jumps) Oh its you, I thought you were one of those ghosts
Tin Woman No boyo its only me
Scarecrow Have you seen Dorothy or Lion?
Tin Woman No didn’t see a thing, I was too busy running boyo, I’ve blown a gasket, leaking lubricant everywhere I was, lucky I didn’t seize up.
Scarecrow We will have to find them
Tin Woman What about the ghosts?
Scarecrow (To audience) Will you help us boys & girls? If you see a ghost will you shout & warn us
Tin Woman (to audience) Yes if you shout loud enough it might scare the ghosts away so we can find Dorothy & lion
ENTER GHOSTS STAGE LEFT & RIGHT BEHIND TIN WOMAN & SCARECROW
Scarecrow (To audience) No don’t shout now but when you see a ghost. What there was a ghost?
Tin woman What here, now?
ENTER DOROTHY FROM STAGE RIGHT
Scarecrow Here’s Dorothy, how did you get away from the ghosts?
Dorothy It was the boys & girls their shouting scared the ghosts away
Tin Woman We still have to find lion
ENTER LION STAGE RIGHT (runs across stage exits down stairs our side door repeating ‘there’s no place like home’)
Dorothy What was that? Was it a bird?
Tin Woman Was it a plane?
Scarecrow Nope, it was a super chicken
ENTER LION (runs across as before repeating “there’s no place like home” & exits)
Dorothy We will have to stop him some how
Tin Woman This will require brains
Scarecrow I know how to do it
Scarecrow (retrieves door prop) With this!
Dorothy What are you going to do?
Tin Woman Whatever it is hurry, here he comes again
Scarecrow stands door in middle of stage bracing against back
ENTER LION (who runs on & cannons into door) Slapstick bit - lion sways & staggers as if about to fall & others waiting to catch him before finally falling back to be caught by Dorothy & tin woman close to top of stairs
Dorothy (Fanning lion on floor) Oh my, will he be all right
Tin Woman Lion, Lion boyo, are you all right
Lion (sitting up) I had a lovely dream,
Tin Woman You fair gave me a turn then boy, What did you dream about?
Lion (Wistfully) Two big knockers were coming nearer & nearer
Dorothy Then what happened?
Lion (indignant) Somebody hit me!
Dorothy We must get on, we have to find the Witch's castle & rescue the Wizard’s guitar before it gets dark
Lion Could I have a drink of water first, I still feel a bit dizzy
Dorothy Oh my, We need a glass of water for lion
Tin Woman gets glass of water conveniently to hand from musicians & gives to Lion. All are round lion
Scarecrow (pulls up lion who still has glass of water) Let’s find that wicked Witches & get the guitar
ENTER WITCHES STAGE RIGHT (With Guitar, places guitar front stage right)
Sw.Betty (moves front centre stage) Looking for us turnip face?
Anita Rep. Turnip twit
(scarecrow recoils back with others)
Lion (moves towards Witches & is cocky Others cower back stage right) Its alright folks, stand back, I’ll handle this, I’ve seen the film
Dorothy No lion its’ too dangerous
Scarecrow It must be the knock on the head making him brave
Tin Woman Stay with us lion don’t be daft.
Lion (Cocky moves to Witches front centre stage (Witches looks disinterested/bored)) Don’t worry, don’t worry, I’ve got it all under control, I know what I’m doing, this is a glass of water. Just watch me. (Holds up glass to audience puts hand to side of mouth as if Witches won’t be able to hear) They melt if they get wet.
Lion (To Witches & circles them) You don’t scare me. You ugly, smelly, old trout's. (Glances at others to laugh to show he is enjoying himself). What do you think you look like in those outfits? Where did you buy them? ‘Chimney sweeps are us’ (laughs again at others) I suppose you think your pretty tough?
Sw.Betty Well sweetie we've been in the evil top 10 for the last 200 years in a row
Anita Rep. Witches Own magazine described us as "the most gruesome twosome this century"
Lion (Sarcastic) Ooh I’m really scared you’ve got me shaking in my paws
Sw.Betty (Casual examining nails) You should be sweety.
Anita Rep. Yes he should be shouldn't he betty
Sw.Betty People who irritate us usually get blasted with evil magic so powerful that they’re turned to burnt toast.
Anita Rep. Toast, toast, toast, burnt under such intense heat that its err...burnt
Lion Well you wont be on master chef that's for sure.
Sw.Betty Anything in particular you’re going to do with that glass of water?
Anita Rep. Or are we going to be here all night!
Lion All right you asked for it (throws glass of water in SW.BETTY'S face) now watch this
(When Witches doesn’t melt) any second now
Anita Rep. Oh you didn't want to do that, did you, Betty hates a bath, she hasn't had one in 300 years
Scarecrow. That will be why she’s called Sweaty Betty
Sw.Betty (Angry) Towel! (Towel is handed to Witches from offstage & Witches wipes face)
Anita Rep. Our card sweetie (hands card to lion then helps Sw.Betty)
Lion (Lion nervously takes card & retires to others) I tink I may have a little problem here, could you read this I'm too scared to look (hands card to scarecrow)
(All huddle round scarecrow to read card front stage left)
Scarecrow (Reading card) "New from ACME, Millennium Witches, all new improved evil Witches, special offer buy one get one free, just £29.99”
Tin Woman You know that’s very good value (others all look at each other & nod in agreement)
Scarecrow (reading card)“Please allow 28 days for delivery, batteries not included”
Dorothy (reading card) “Fully guaranteed for 12 months. These Witches are scratch resistant,
fire resistant, shock resistant,
Lion “Water resistant to a depth of 50 metres.” ……… oh shucks
Tin Woman Look there’s still more “Guaranteed not to melt under any circumstances & we mean it, these Witches won’t melt”. Now there’s pretty see, look at the bottom it says ‘Warning’ in big red writing
Scarecrow Usually something written in red means danger
Dorothy Oh my, that’s right, warning signs are always in red
Lion Uh oh, wwwwwhat does it say after ‘Warning’
Tin Woman Oh, oh right you are boyo, now let me see, ‘Warning’, oh yes ‘warning’ “Under no circumstances should water be thrown on the witches. It will drive them to inflict wanton & gratuitous acts of violence upon the Lion concerned, resulting in blood curdling scenes unsuitable for a panto audience.” Well I never (to Lion – somberly) rather you than me boyo
Lion (Sniveling to Witches) I’m terribly sorry ladies. How clumsy of me to spill my drink on you’re lovely dress. I was just walking along & thinking ‘what good looking Witches me luck could be in here, when I must have tripped &…
Sw.Betty Shut up you sniveling moth eaten old pussy.
Anita Rep. Moth eaten smelly old pussy
I lied the pantomime script is not listed in full
But you've read this far and presumably like the script so email for a perusal copy