JIM: (To audience) Hello boys & Girls, My names Jim Hawkins and I had a great adventure involving a treasure map, a sea voyage, a treasure island, Indians & fighting with pirates. Would you like to hear about it, no ok I’m off down the pub. (Adapt to audience response)

JIM : I remember it like it happened yesterday. In fact it did happen yesterday. A strange seafaring man came to the Benbow Inn. The Inn was run by my widowed mother, she didn’t like that sailor on sight,  which was unusual as my mother was a gentle softly spoken woman with a kind word for everyone, and particularly fond of me.

WIDOW: (angry shout) You lazy good for nothing lout, stop standing there talking to yourself, are you deaf? Someone’s banging on the door, go and let them in and be quick about it before you feel the back of my hand.

JIM: (to audience) Of course she had her off days. Yes mum (exit Jim Stage Right)

WIDOW (To herself whilst wiping tables/glasses) The youth of today, want it all handed on a plate, I work my fingers to the bone to keep a roof over our heads and what do I get for it? ……………. Boney fingers!.

Enter Stage Right: Jim followed by Billy Bones

JIM: Mum there’s a seafaring man to see you

BILLY BONES: Evening Maam!  Would you be the Widow Hawkins landlady of this ere Benbow Inn?

WIDOW: Yes I am, (Jim sweeping with broom  nearby) and no I don’t want cheaper gas cheaper electricity or cheaper phone calls, coz they haven’t been invented yet! So sling your hook!

BILLY BONES: Avast there, don’t be so hasty in giving me a broadside, and I don’t strike me colours so easy. I looking to find a nice snug harbour to warp into and drop me anchor, if you knows what I mean.

WIDOW: You cheeky scoundrel you keep your anchor where it is, and you’re not dropping it any where near me. You sailors are all the same, disgusting degenerates; you see a lady and all you can think of is how to get your anchor aweigh.

JIM : (INTERRUPTS)  Mum, Mum  I think he means he just wants a room.

BILLY BONES: That’s right lad, I need a berth for a while, what would your name be boy?

WIDOW: He’s my son Jim not that its any of your business!. Why didn’t you say you wanted a room in the first place instead of talking all that nautical mumbo jumbo?

BILLY BONES: You’re a feisty vessel an no mistake, be no easy boarding that’s for sure!.  But I’ll warrant you’re seaworthy enough, with a sound bottom that doesn’t leak a drop. Makes me think of me last ship the old Arethusa.

WIDOW (to Jim suspicious) Whats he talking about and how does my bottom come into it?

JIM He says you remind him of his last ship mum!

WIDOW: (Preening) Oh What was it? A sleak beautiful racing yacht with a body designed for speed?

BILLY BONES : No she was a big fat old tub of a battle ship badly in need of having her bottom scraped.

WIDOW:  You insolent rascal get off my premises at once before I call a Bow Street Runner.

BILLY BONES: Easy me hearty, stand down from quarters, I mean you no harm, I was giving you a compliment.

WIDOW.  A compliment was it? A compliment? A compliment to say I’m a big fat old battleship, and my bottom needs scraping? Is that what you call a compliment is it?

BILLY BONES: No maam, I didn’t mean you were big fat and ugly, I mean a err woman with your err obvious  feminine charms how could I ?. No maam all I meant was,  you was like The Old Arethusa because she …..(Pauses to think) … errr  was regal, and dignified like a queen. She looked after crew and brought them home no matter what.

WIDOW: (mollified) Well, all right, I suppose that’s not so bad then being called regal, and queenly, I am a very cultured lady or as the French would say Defence de Fume.

BILLY BONES You speak French?

WIDOW Aurevoir! All high society ladies speak French don’t you know.

JIM What happened to the ‘Old Arethusa’

BILLY BONES She sank at anchor with all hands. Now down to business.  I just want a berth for a while. This eres an Inn aint it? You’ve got rooms for sale aint you?

WIDOW: Hummph! Rooms are fourpence a night, a sixpence if you want sheets, a shilling if you want clean sheets. I can’t abide naval men.

JIM (To Audience) My father was a seadog, he seldom came home.

WIDOW: Your father was a dirty dog, he never came home. Sailors are all the same untrustworthy without a pot to ….. cook in. So payment in advance & a deposit for breakages. So Popeye, Pugwash, Hornblower or whatever your name is, show me your money or I’ll show you my door.

BILLY BONES: The names Bones, Captain Billy Bones. (Reaches into pocket comes out with bag of coins, and chinks bag in from of widow bringing out at gold coin from bag) Here’s a gold doubloon for me berth and vittels, you let old Billy Bones know when that’s run out. (Tosses coin to Widow who hopefully catches it)

WIDOW (Fawning having seen all the money) Welcome Admiral, err  ahoy I mean.  I always liked the navy,  haven’t  I Jim ? I’m always saying how much of a pleasure it is to get gentleman from the navy here, senior service and all that. Always a real pleasure to have sailors at the ‘Admiral’ yes it’s the (emphasis) ‘Admiral’ Benbow Inn, named after a sailor, were all very nautical here, errr aye aye, errr Mr Christian, errr welcome aboard skipper, suppers at errrr 20 bells to half past 6 ahoy Birdseye fish fingers for tea.

BILLY BONES (to Jim) Whats she talking about lad? Is she Ill?

JIM She’s just got a touch of gold fever, she’ll be alright in a minute.

BILLY BONES : Now you’re a bright handsome lad, how would you like to do me a little service and earn yourself a silver sixpence? (Innuendo)

JIM Dream on sailor, this is the 18^th Century and the minimum wage is a crown.

BILLY BONES:  I want you to keep a weather eye open for a seafaring man with one leg, and let me know if you see him. I’ll give you a crown a day to keep a watch out.

JIM: It’s a deal, I haven’t seen a one legged man today so that’s a crown please (Bones hands over crown)

WIDOW. Mont Blanc! I’ll cook you my specialty French cuisine A’ddock A La Hawkins. Come and sit down captain (takes Bones to chair)  My own recipe, warm haddock with a Malibu & Cherryaid sauce with a hint of peanut butter.  My cooking should be cordon bleu!

JIM (To audience) Her cooking should be cordoned off!

WIDOW: Would you like something to drink while you wait for dinner?

JIM  (to audience) He’ll need a stiff drink if he’s having A’ddock a La Hawkins

BILLY BONES: A large tot of rum would brace me rigging, thankee kindly

WIDOM: I’ll get the barmaid. Helga! Helga!, where is that useless girl, Barmaid (claps hands)

ENTER BARMAID STAGE LEFT

BARMAID  Ja ?
WIDOW Serve the Captain, understand? You Serve the Captain, understand? chop chop! Now I must get on and prepare dinner for our new guest.

EXIT WIDOW STAGE RIGHT

BARMAID  (to Captain) Ja ?

BILLY BONES  A large tot of rum wench and quick about it (Barmaid goes to get rum)

(To Jim) Is she a vessel looking for a skipper with a firm hand lad ?

JIM  Well she’s known hereabouts as the Barmaid that always says ‘Ja’.

BILLY BONES (As barmaid serves drink) so you’re a girl who never says no?

BARMAID Ja

BILLY BONES and you know how to give a sailor a warm welcome

BARMAID Ja

BILLY BONES Whats your name girl?

BARMAID Ja

BILLY BONES – Are you trying to be funny wench?

BARMAID – Ja

BILLY BONES Do you take me for some kind of fool?

BARMAID – Ja (Barmaid retires to bar and wipes glasses)

BILLY BONES – (To Jim) Is she a bit soft in the head lad

JIM – Ja! err I mean no, Her name is Helga, she’s from Sweden & doesn’t speak any English, the only word she knows is ‘Yes’.

JIM – (TO AUDIENCE) Now there was some strange things about the captain, he’d call roughly for more rum

BILLY BONES Wench, roughly more rum,

BARMAID (pouring more rum) Ja.!

 JIM – (TO AUDIENCE) Then he’d start singing a strange song that wasn’t in the charts at the time!

BILLY BONES (To tune of 4 & 20 virgins) Four and twenty…………..(Music carries on a few bars)

JIM (Interrupts) No not that song, the other song

BILLY BONES Oh, (drinks more rum – Sings 15 men on a dead mans chest etc - Loud backing from back stage)

JIM How do you do that?

BILLY BONES Do what?

JIM You know when you sing (sings 1^ST VERSE 15 men on a dead mans chest etc with help from back stage)

BILLY BONES – Just happens

JIM – (TO AUDIENCE) and another strange thing. Before the Captain came we always had lots of regular customers at the Benbow Inn like the local farmers:

ENTER FARMERS STAGE RIGHT

 SINGING FARMING SONG – (I’ve got a combine harvester I’ll give you the key?)

FARMER 1 A hearty morning to one and all. (To Bones) Greetings stranger and a warm welcome to these ere parts

FARMER 2 Indeed friend we bid you a warm hearty welcome (slap thigh)

FARMER 1 Come friend name your song and we will give you a rousing tune

BILLY BONES – (Pulls flintlock pistol out) Well shipmates do you know the little ditty ‘I shot the Farmer, but I didn’t shoot his deputy’? (Sings first few lines of song to tune ‘I Shot the Sheriff’f with adapted lyrics - I shot the farmer)

FARMER 1  (Nervous) Err I don’t think we know that one friend

FARMER 2 (nervous) Come come fellow, be hearty and of good cheer, name a song and we will sing it for you in friendship.

BILLY BONES –All right me hearties Can you sing (Pulls out cutlass runs thumber along blade)  ‘Goodness gracious great balls of fire? – Soprano? (Sings first verse ‘Goodness Gracious Great Balls of Fire’)

FARMER1 –  I just remembered I must get home and look after my fruit orchard (leaving)

FARMER2 – That’s right – me too, must dash bye all (leaving)

JIM  (TO AUDIENCE) So for some strange reason after the Captain came people stopped coming to the Benbow Inn. My mother never could understand why.

WIDOW (With tray of glasses and a ‘bottle’) I brought some more glasses because I saw the regulars are in (Notices farmers gone) Oh! What happened to the farmers?

BILLY BONES: They had to run off, they were worried about their plums

WIDOW Vin Rouge!, Well captain your dinner, A’ddock ala Hawkins, is ready on the table. Jim take the captain through to the ‘ a la carte’ (emphasis) restaurant.

JIM A la carte what?

WIDOW You know the a la carte restaurant, You know!!.(nudges Jim)

JIM  We haven’t got an a la carte restaurant just a dining room

WIDOW (To Bones) Excuse my son he’s never been the same since he got a blow to the head

BONES: When did that happen?

WIDOW Just now (cuffs Jim) take the captain thru to the dining room, I mean a la carte restaurant.

JIM Yes mum, this way Captain

 BILLY BONES (to widow) Thankee kindly (Exit Jim & Billy Bones stage right)

WIDOW  (calling after Billy Bones) I’ll be through in a second captain with the Horses Doovreees and  I’ve made extra peanut butter sauce for you!.(Picks up bottle from tray) Helga, Helga! This is a specimen from Mr Jones in room 4, you know the one with the disease, Dr Liversey will be in to collect it. Give it the Doctor.

(Barmaid takes hold of bottle pulls bottle towards her but Widow does not let go of bottle but extends her arm with bottle)

BARMAID : Ja

WIDOW; ( pulling bottle back to herself barmaid extends arm with bottle) Do you understand, give this to the Doctor , 

BARMAID Ja (Pulls back bottle)

WIDOW (Pulls back bottle) Mr Jones wee wee, give to doctor, do you understand give to Doctor ?

BARMAID Ja (Pulls back bottle)

WIDOW (Releases bottle) Good ! Now I’ve go to get on with dinner, I want the bar all tidied up and glasses cleaned. Got it ?

BARMAID Ja

Enter Stage Right Blind Pew, tapping with white cane

BLIND PEW (finds way to bar) Anyone here help an old sailor blinded in the service of King George, gawd bless him.?

BARMAID (not understanding) Yes

BLIND PEW could you tell me is this ere the Benbow Inn?

BARMAID Ja

BLIND PEW Do you have a man named Billy Bones staying here by any chance?

BARMAID Ja

BLIND PEW And does he drink in this bar ?

BARMAID Ja

BLIND PEW Thankee you’ve been most helpful. I’ll have a cold beer and wait for my old shipmate. Will you have a drink with me my dear.

BARMAID Ja

BLIND PEW (Fumbles in pocket brings out handful of coins just opens hand so coins drop all over floor behind bar) This should cover it and one for yourself.

BARMAID BENDS DOWN TO PICKUP COINS

BLIND PEW (Fumbles along bar with hand finds specimen bottle) Is this my beer?

BARMAID (still picking up coins) Ja

BLIND PEW Well cheers my dear, your very good health (drinks beerAdapt to  Audience response)  e.g. This is my beer isn’t it? Barmaid ‘Yes’. Etc – on drinking Blind Pew does funny dance DRUM SOUND EFFECTS

BLIND PEW – (barmaid stands up having collected dropped coins) Was that a local brew my dear?

BARMAID Ja

BLIND PEW – Shiver me timbers it tastes like…..

BARMAID Ja !!!! (Barmaid puts coins in Pews hands)

BLIND PEW  Is that my change my dear ? It’s a cheap drink, but then it would need to be.

BARMAID Ja

ENTER STAGE RIGHT  WIDOW FOLLOWED BY BILLY BONES (holding bucket as if to be sick in)  HELPED BY JIM

WIDOW Helga, Helga! A glass of rum for Captain Bones he’s been taking ill after eating dinner.

JIM (To audience) The fact he’s just had warm haddock with Malibu & Cherryaid sauce and extra peanut butter is obviously just a coincidence! (helps Billy Bones into seat stage right Helga brings rum and gives to captain then retires backstage)

WIDOW (Bends over to fan Billy bones) Deep breaths captain

BLIND PEW (tap taps towards BillyBones) Well Billy we meet again, me old shipmate.

BILLY BONES – Blind Pew! (‘Pew’ into bucket)

BLIND PEW – I’ve got something for you Billy, from me an the lads, here you are (thrusts hand onto widows bottom DRUMS)

WIDOW – How dare you!

BLIND PEW – Sorry I just meant to give Billy the Black Spot. Here you are Billy, here you are me lad (fumbles over finds Billy Bones hand and gives the black spot) Me and the rest of your old shipmates will be back to get what’s ours  (EVIL LAUGH)-EXIT PEW STAGE RIGHT

BILLY BONES – (STANDS leave bucket on table) The spot, the spot, I’ve got the spot

WIDOW A bit of acnes nothing to worry about I’ve got some cream for my boils and it ……………….. (BONES DROPS DEAD) Good heavens – is he dead?

BARMAID Ja

WIDOW Jim – go and fetch the Doctor quick as you can 

(Enter Doctor & Squire stage lower Door)

JIM It’s alright mum the Doctor & the squire have just arrived.

SQUIRE (Laughing talking to Dr) Haw Haw Haw, there we were surrounded in the jungle by ferocious pygmies so I cried, let go the marzipan doughnuts, by Jove the little blighters had never seen anything like it and ran like rabbits

DOCTOR Jolly good show, what what!

WIDOW Doctor Doctor we’ve had another

DOCTOR Another?

SQUIRE Another?

WIDOW Another

SQUIRE Another what?

DOCTOR This is the 5^th death at the Benbow Inn this month, dashed if I can fathom the cause.

SQUIRE Bad luck old boy, when do they happen?

DOCTOR Strangely always after dinner and always after having A’ddock a La’ Hawkins,

SQUIRE And you’ve know idea what the cause of death is old man?

DOCTOR None at all got me absolutely stumped what what!

JIM (To audience) Absolute mystery isn’t it.!

SQUIRE Well I’m the local magistrate so what do you know about this man, is he destitute?

WIDOW No squire he’s English

SQUIRE I mean is he without money?

WIDOW Oh no sir, he paid in gold – look (passes over gold coin)

SQUIRE I say Livesey would you look at this!

DOCTOR What is it a gold sovereign what what?

WIDOW A gold doubloon?

SQUIRE – No it’s a scrummy chocolate coin – my favourite (peels & eats coin)

WIDOW – Chocolate, chocolate, he paid me in chocolate! He’s got a whole bag of money I’ll have what’s owed to me ! (finds bag on corpse empties bag on front of stage - nuts & bolts fall out) Sailors, Sailors, I always said you cant trust sailors, If he weren’t dead I’d kill him! I’ll have what he owes me, (ROUGHS UP CORPSE) Whats this ? (Finds treasure map) Here Jim read this I haven’t got my glasses (Hands map to Jim))

JIM Mum it’s a map of an Island, with ‘Treasure Map’ written in big letters on it. It says ‘Clappers treasure buried here’ with an ‘X marks the spot’ and ‘This way to the lovely lolly’. Mum it’s a treasure map! (hands map to squire)

SQUIRE – Clapper? That name rings a bell! (Wait for groans from audience)

DOCTOR – Of course! Captain Clapper the infamous pirate with his dastardly crew the Gay Buccanneers. They ravished the Caribbean captured many honest ships including Spanish Galleons loaded with treasure.

SQUIRE Why were they called the Gay Buccanneers ?

DOCTOR Because they always attacked from astern.

SQUIRE That’s right I remember now, Clapper was killed by the clap…………. Of thunder that scared his horse which threw him.

DOCTOR So he was killed by being thrown from his horse?

SQUIRE: No he was killed by the number 5 bus, which was following and ran him over. This man must have been one his crew!

JIM That makes sense the blind man who gave him the spot said he and the rest of the crew would be back to get what was theirs! The pirate crew are after the map and we have it.

SQUIRE Gadzooks now we have the map we could get the treasure!

DOCTOR Wouldn’t we need a ship?

SQUIRE My uncle Horatio’s an admiral he’d lend us a ship

WIDOW Well I’m coming to! This rogue owes me money and I’ll have part of the treasure

SQUIRE I’m sorry madam this is not a journey for females so as local magistrate I cant allow it.

WIDOW What do you mean?

SQUIRE Women are inferior to men mentally & physically you would only be a nuisance. (Pushes Livesey in front as Mrs Hawkins looks threatening) Livesey explain it in terms even a female would understand.

DOCTOR It’s a medical fact that Females brains are smaller than men’s therefore females are only capable of washing up, knitting and changing nappies.

WIDOW (getting angry) Is that so!

DOCTOR Absolutely, for instance the only intellectual challenge women are capable of is whether a pair of trousers makes their bottom look big or not.

WIDOW (angrier) Oh is that so!

SQUIRE The biggest decision a female can make is what colour lipstick to wear.

WIDOW (angrier) Oh is that so!

SQUIRE So you see madam best not worry your little female brain on the subject and leave it to us men.

WIDOW ok Einstein, but you get your own map that’s mine (snatch’s map back)

DOCTOR I say

SQUIRE Of cause I think all that is stuff and nonsense. Women are every bit as capable as men and its probably only a few hundred years until some form of women’s lib movement gets started. Don’t you agree Liversey?

DOCTOR Absolutely, delighted to have you along Mrs Hawkins I’m sure you’ll bring a couple of good assets with you.

SQUIRE Jim there could be cabin boy 

WIDOW Helga, pack my bag were leaving

BARMAID Ja (Puts bag on bar)

SQUIRE Livesey what times the next train to Portsmouth?

DOCTOR Trains aren’t invented yet

SQUIRE Probably quicker by horse & carriage any way. Lets get going – Tally Ho (Exit Stage Right Doctor, Squire)

JIM (picks up bucket) What shall I do with this Mum ?

WIDOW Oh, throw it over there (gestures towards audience, picks up bag, Exit Widow)

JIM  (throws bucket containing sweets into audience – Speaks to audience) and so we set of to Portsmouth with the Squire and the Doctor to borrow a ship from the squire’s uncle. Little did we know the pirates were not far behind (Exit stage right – only barmaid left on stage cleaning glasses.)

Barmaid hurries from behind bar.  Checks that all clear Stage Left & Stage Right before going front centre stage

BARMAID (To audience) I’m not as dumb as they think!

Barmaid Song

Staging a Pantomime

Pantomime Book

Writing a Panto

Stage Costume

ENTER PIRATES STAGE LEFT LED BY PEW TAPPING WITH CANE

PEW Come out Billy were here to get our dues, me and the lads (tap taps to trip over corpse) Is that you Billy Boy? Avast messing around on the floor like a mermaid with a broken rudder.

MCGREW (checks corpse) He’s dead

 GRUB Lets have a drink while were hear, wench 4 beers!

BARMAID Yes – (puts 4 beer bottles on the bar – specimen bottle still on bar)

PEW No don’t touch the drink here

GRUB Whats wrong with it?

PEW Its tastes like……..

BARMAID Ja !!

MCGREW (takes swig) Tastes all right

DIBBLE (takes a swig) Nice drop of beer that!

PEW.  Well stop chattering like seagulls, we have to find the map. Grub search Billy, the rest of you lubbers search the place. The map has to be here somewhere! (Grub keeps occupied searching Billy Bones)

EXIT ALL PIRATES (EXCEPT PEW & GRUB) TO SEARCH FOR MAP

PEW (tap taps to bar) Well I’ll have my beer, that other bottle must have been off , (fumbles on bar finds specimen) Is this my Beer ?

BARMAID (Shaking head for NO) Ja!

(Use any response from audience before drinking - Pew does same dance as before DRUM SOUND EFFECTS )

GRUB (to barmaid) I’ll have what ever he’s drinking!

ENTER PIRATES

MCGREW There’s no map here Pew!

DIBBLE     We’ve searched top to bottom, they must have taken it

GRUB Long John wont be very happy, in the pirates your not supposed to loose treasure maps

PEW In the pirates your supposed to keep your opinions to yourself

ENTER SILVER

SILVER Well me hearties I see Billy boy has gone on his last voyage. Who’s got the map? (Work any booing from audience)

PEW Its not here John, we’ve searched high and low

SILVER Then someone’s’ taken it, or my names not Long John Silver!

GRUB What is it then?

DIBBLE We don’t know who took it John, the only one here was the barmaid

MCGREW She’ll know who’s got the map!

SILVER Bring her here you lubbers (pirates get Barmaid and stand her front centre stage with plastic swords threatening) Now wench tell me what you know and there might be some silver in it for you. Keep anything back and you’ll get cold steel. Understand?

BARMAID Ja

SILVER Did you see who took the map?

BARMAID Ja

PEW Was it that Mrs Hawkins?

BARMAID Ja

SILVER But where have they gone?

DIBBLE I heard the squire shout to the coachman to go to Portsmouth.

SILVER Is that where they’ve gone, to Portsmouth?

BARMAID Ja

MCGREW They must be getting a ship to go after the treasure!

SILVER. Is that it wench, they’re getting a ship to set sail for our treasure?

BARMAID Ja

SILVER Here you are wench (gives money) you’ve been most obliging now on your way   

EXIT BARMAID

GRUB Well that’s it then they’ll get the treasure.

SILVER Hold your tongue you scurvy barnacle. In the pirates you don’t give up that easy.  (Move stage front left)

PEW (Move front stage) That’s right John, in the pirates you don’t give up

MCGREW (Move front stage) In the pirates you fight and get the treasure

DIBBLE (Move front stage) In the pirates you storm the treasure ships

GRUB (Move front stage)  In the pirates you dangle from a rope when they catch you

Pirate’s front stage curtains close

SONG ‘In The Pirates’ to tune village peoples ‘In the Navy’

---

DOCTOR I say what a nice boat

SQUIRE Ship!

DOCTOR I say, no need to use that sort of language I only said it was a nice boat.

SQUIRE: I said ‘ship’, it’s a ship old boy not a ‘boat’ must use nautical terms you know.

DOCTOR Oh I see, I thought you said………..

SQUIRE (Interrupts) Steady on old man, family audience and all that

DOCTOR: Absolutely, thanks for the gen. It was jolly nice of your Uncle to lend you this boat, err ship. Whats she called?

SQUIRE I named her ‘The Doddington’ after the little village where I grew up, there the sky is bluest blue, the grass is greenest green and the beer isn’t watered down.

DOCTOR Sounds a top hole sort of place

SQUIRE Absolutely

DOCTOR Are you going to be captain of the good ship Doddington?

SQUIRE I bally well should be, but Uncle Horatio said he wouldn’t trust me in charge of a rubber duck in a bath.

DOCTOR what a cheek!

SQUIRE Virtually called me an idiot. He said if brains were gunpowder I wouldn’t have enough to blow my nose!

DOCTOR Snot (emphasise) true old boy.!

SQUIRE:  He even had the effrontery to lecture me on not telling a sole about the map or the treasure.

DOCTOR Outrageous, as if you’d tell a fish. I say who’s going to be Captain?

SQURIE Small bits

DOCTOR (Embarrased) well it is rather chilly you know.

SQUIRE No Uncle Horatio appointed a man named Smallbits to be the captain. Mans an absolute bounder, tried to give him the benefit of my sea going experience and he told me I didn’t know the difference between the eerrr front pointy bit of the ship and the thingy majigs they tie the ropes to on the dock.

DOCTOR Bollards!

SQUIRE No its true that’s what he said to me, told me to mind my own business, mans absolute cad, here he comes now. (Rule Britannia Intro)

SMALLBITS (dry) Good Morning Gentleman

SQUIRE Morning Small Bits

DOCTOR Bit chilly what what

SMALLBITS It has come to my attention sir that you dismissed the crew I signed on.

SQUIRE Absolutely, bunch of rogues and vagabonds, luckily I bumped into a chap in the local hostelry last night that warned me of them. So I sacked the lot.

DOCTOR What jolly good luck.

SMALLBITS How do you expect us to sail with the morning tide without a crew sir?

SQUIRE As it happened same chap new a damn fine bunch of blokes in the pub who were all good sailors