JIM: (To audience) Hello boys & Girls, My names Jim Hawkins and I had a great adventure involving a treasure map, a sea voyage, a treasure island, Indians & fighting with pirates. Would you like to hear about it? . (Adapt to audience response)
JIM : I remember it like it happened yesterday. In fact it did happen yesterday. A strange seafaring man came to the Benbow Inn. The Inn was run by my widowed mother, she didn’t like that sailor on sight, which was unusual as my mother was a gentle softly spoken woman with a kind word for everyone, and particularly fond of me.
WIDOW: (angry shout) You lazy good for nothing lout, stop standing there talking to yourself, are you deaf? Someone’s banging on the door, go and let them in and be quick about it before you feel the back of my hand.
JIM: (to audience) Of course she had her off days. Yes mum (exit Jim Stage Right)
WIDOW (To herself whilst wiping tables/glasses) The youth of today, want it all handed on a plate, I work my fingers to the bone to keep a roof over our heads and what do I get for it? ……………. Boney fingers!.
Enter Stage Right: Jim followed by Billy Bones
JIM: Mum there’s a seafaring man to see you
BILLY BONES: Evening Maam! Would you be the Widow Hawkins landlady of this ere Benbow Inn?
WIDOW: Yes I am, (Jim sweeping with broom nearby) and no I don’t want cheaper gas cheaper electricity or cheaper phone calls, coz they haven’t been invented yet! So sling your hook!
BILLY BONES: Avast there, don’t be so hasty in giving me a broadside, and I don’t strike me colours so easy. I looking to find a nice snug harbour to warp into and drop me anchor, if you knows what I mean.
WIDOW: You cheeky scoundrel you keep your anchor where it is, and you’re not dropping it any where near me. You sailors are all the same, disgusting degenerates; you see a lady and all you can think of is how to get your anchor aweigh.
JIM : (INTERRUPTS) Mum, Mum I think he means he just wants a room.
BILLY BONES: That’s right lad, I need a berth for a while, what would your name be boy?
WIDOW: He’s my son Jim not that its any of your business!. Why didn’t you say you wanted a room in the first place instead of talking all that nautical mumbo jumbo?
BILLY BONES: You’re a feisty vessel an no mistake, be no easy boarding that’s for sure!. But I’ll warrant you’re seaworthy enough, with a sound bottom that doesn’t leak a drop. Makes me think of me last ship the old Arethusa.
WIDOW (to Jim suspicious) Whats he talking about and how does my bottom come into it?
JIM He says you remind him of his last ship mum!
WIDOW: (Preening) Oh What was it? A sleak beautiful racing yacht with a body designed for speed?
BILLY BONES : No she was a big fat old tub of a battle ship badly in need of having her bottom scraped.
WIDOW: You insolent rascal get off my premises at once before I call a Bow Street Runner.
BILLY BONES: Easy me hearty, stand down from quarters, I mean you no harm, I was giving you a compliment.
WIDOW. A compliment was it? A compliment? A compliment to say I’m a big fat old battleship, and my bottom needs scraping? Is that what you call a compliment is it?
BILLY BONES: No maam, I didn’t mean you were big fat and ugly, I mean a err woman with your err obvious feminine charms how could I ?. No maam all I meant was, you was like The Old Arethusa because she …..(Pauses to think) … errr was regal, and dignified like a queen. She looked after crew and brought them home no matter what.
WIDOW: (mollified) Well, all right, I suppose that’s not so bad then being called regal, and queenly, I am a very cultured lady or as the French would say Defence de Fume.
BILLY BONES You speak French?
WIDOW Aurevoir! All high society ladies speak French don’t you know.
JIM What happened to the ‘Old Arethusa’
BILLY BONES She sank at anchor with all hands. Now down to business. I just want a berth for a while. This eres an Inn aint it? You’ve got rooms for sale aint you?
WIDOW: Hummph! Rooms are fourpence a night, a sixpence if you want sheets, a shilling if you want clean sheets. I can’t abide naval men.
JIM (To Audience) My father was a seadog, he seldom came home.
WIDOW: Your father was a dirty dog, he never came home. Sailors are all the same untrustworthy without a pot to ….. cook in. So payment in advance & a deposit for breakages. So Popeye, Pugwash, Hornblower or whatever your name is, show me your money or I’ll show you my door.
BILLY BONES: The names Bones, Captain Billy Bones. (Reaches into pocket comes out with bag of coins, and chinks bag in from of widow bringing out at gold coin from bag) Here’s a gold doubloon for me berth and vittels, you let old Billy Bones know when that’s run out. (Tosses coin to Widow who hopefully catches it)
WIDOW (Fawning having seen all the money) Welcome Admiral, err ahoy I mean. I always liked the navy, haven’t I Jim ? I’m always saying how much of a pleasure it is to get gentleman from the navy here, senior service and all that. Always a real pleasure to have sailors at the ‘Admiral’ yes it’s the (emphasis) ‘Admiral’ Benbow Inn, named after a sailor, were all very nautical here, errr aye aye, errr Mr Christian, errr welcome aboard skipper, suppers at errrr 20 bells to half past 6 ahoy Birdseye fish fingers for tea.
BILLY BONES (to Jim) Whats she talking about lad? Is she Ill?
JIM She’s just got a touch of gold fever, she’ll be alright in a minute.
BONES : Now you’re a bright handsome lad, how would
you like to do me a little service and earn yourself a silver sixpence?
JIM Dream on sailor, this is the 18th Century and the minimum wage is a crown.
BILLY BONES: I want you to keep a weather eye open for a seafaring man with one leg, and let me know if you see him. I’ll give you a crown a day to keep a watch out.
JIM: It’s a deal, I haven’t seen a one legged man today so that’s a crown please (Bones hands over crown)
WIDOW. Mont Blanc! I’ll cook you my specialty French cuisine A’ddock A La Hawkins. Come and sit down captain (takes Bones to chair) My own recipe, warm haddock with a Malibu & Cherryaid sauce with a hint of peanut butter. My cooking should be cordon bleu!
JIM (To audience) Her cooking should be cordoned off!
WIDOW: Would you like something to drink while you wait for dinner?
JIM (to audience) He’ll need a stiff drink if he’s having A’ddock a La Hawkins
BILLY BONES: A large tot of rum would brace me rigging, thankee kindly
WIDOM: I’ll get the barmaid. Helga! Helga!, where is that useless girl, Barmaid (claps hands)
EXIT WIDOW STAGE RIGHT
BARMAID (to Captain) Ja ?
BILLY BONES A large tot of rum wench and quick about it (Barmaid goes to get rum)
(To Jim) Is she a vessel looking for a skipper with a firm hand lad ?
JIM Well she’s known hereabouts as the Barmaid that always says ‘Ja’.
BILLY BONES (As barmaid serves drink) so you’re a girl who never says no?
BILLY BONES and you know how to give a sailor a warm welcome
BILLY BONES Whats your name girl?
BILLY BONES – Are you trying to be funny wench?
BARMAID – Ja
BILLY BONES Do you take me for some kind of fool?
BARMAID – Ja (Barmaid retires to bar and wipes glasses)
BILLY BONES – (To Jim) Is she a bit soft in the head lad
JIM – Ja! err I mean no, Her name is Helga, she’s from Sweden & doesn’t speak any English, the only word she knows is ‘Yes’.
JIM – (TO AUDIENCE) Now there was some strange things about the captain, he’d call roughly for more rum
BILLY BONES Wench, roughly more rum,
BARMAID (pouring more rum) Ja.!
JIM – (TO AUDIENCE) Then he’d start singing a strange song that wasn’t in the charts at the time!
BILLY BONES (To tune of 4 & 20 virgins) Four and twenty…………..(Music carries on a few bars)
JIM (Interrupts) No not that song, the other song
BILLY BONES Oh, (drinks more rum – Sings 15 men on a dead mans chest etc - Loud backing from back stage)
JIM How do you do that?
BILLY BONES Do what?
JIM You know when you sing (sings 1ST VERSE 15 men on a dead mans chest etc with help from back stage)
BILLY BONES – Just happens
JIM – (TO AUDIENCE) and another strange thing. Before the Captain came we always had lots of regular customers at the Benbow Inn like the local farmers:
ENTER FARMERS STAGE RIGHT
SINGING FARMING SONG – (I’ve got a combine harvester I’ll give you the key?)
FARMER 1 A hearty morning to one and all. (To Bones) Greetings stranger and a warm welcome to these ere parts
FARMER 2 Indeed friend we bid you a warm hearty welcome (slap thigh)
FARMER 1 Come friend name your song and we will give you a rousing tune
BILLY BONES – (Pulls flintlock pistol out) Well shipmates do you know the little ditty ‘I shot the Farmer, but I didn’t shoot his deputy’? (Sings first few lines of song to tune ‘I Shot the Sheriff’f with adapted lyrics - I shot the farmer)
FARMER 1 (Nervous) Err I don’t think we know that one friend
FARMER 2 (nervous) Come come fellow, be hearty and of good cheer, name a song and we will sing it for you in friendship.
BILLY BONES –All right me hearties Can you sing (Pulls out cutlass runs thumber along blade) ‘Goodness gracious great balls of fire? – Soprano? (Sings first verse ‘Goodness Gracious Great Balls of Fire’)
FARMER1 – I just remembered I must get home and look after my fruit orchard (leaving)
FARMER2 – That’s right – me too, must dash bye all (leaving)
JIM (TO AUDIENCE) So for some strange reason after the Captain came people stopped coming to the Benbow Inn. My mother never could understand why.
WIDOW (With tray of glasses and a ‘bottle’) I brought some more glasses because I saw the regulars are in (Notices farmers gone) Oh! What happened to the farmers?
BILLY BONES: They had to run off, they were worried about their plums
WIDOW Vin Rouge!, Well captain your dinner, A’ddock ala Hawkins, is ready on the table. Jim take the captain through to the ‘ a la carte’ (emphasis) restaurant.
JIM A la carte what?
WIDOW You know the a la carte restaurant, You know!!.(nudges Jim)
JIM We haven’t got an a la carte restaurant just a dining room
WIDOW (To Bones) Excuse my son he’s never been the same since he got a blow to the head
BONES: When did that happen?
WIDOW Just now (cuffs Jim) take the captain thru to the dining room, I mean a la carte restaurant.
JIM Yes mum, this way Captain
BILLY BONES (to widow) Thankee kindly (Exit Jim & Billy Bones stage right)
WIDOW (calling after Billy Bones) I’ll be through in a second captain with the Horses Doovreees and I’ve made extra peanut butter sauce for you!.(Picks up bottle from tray) Helga, Helga! This is a specimen from Mr Jones in room 4, you know the one with the disease, Dr Liversey will be in to collect it. Give it the Doctor.
(Barmaid takes hold of bottle pulls bottle towards her but Widow does not let go of bottle but extends her arm with bottle)
BARMAID : Ja
WIDOW; ( pulling bottle back to herself barmaid extends arm with bottle) Do you understand, give this to the Doctor ,
BARMAID Ja (Pulls back bottle)
WIDOW (Pulls back bottle) Mr Jones wee wee, give to doctor, do you understand give to Doctor ?
BARMAID Ja (Pulls back bottle)
WIDOW (Releases bottle) Good ! Now I’ve go to get on with dinner, I want the bar all tidied up and glasses cleaned. Got it ?
BLIND PEW (finds way to bar) Anyone here help an old sailor blinded in the service of King George, gawd bless him.?
BARMAID (not understanding) Yes
BLIND PEW could you tell me is this ere the Benbow Inn?
BLIND PEW Do you have a man named Billy Bones staying here by any chance?
BLIND PEW And does he drink in this bar ?
BLIND PEW Thankee you’ve been most helpful. I’ll have a cold beer and wait for my old shipmate. Will you have a drink with me my dear.
BLIND PEW (Fumbles in pocket brings out handful of coins just opens hand so coins drop all over floor behind bar) This should cover it and one for yourself.
BLIND PEW (Fumbles along bar with hand finds specimen bottle) Is this my beer?
BARMAID (still picking up coins) Ja
BLIND PEW Well cheers my dear, your very good health (drinks beerAdapt to Audience response) e.g. This is my beer isn’t it? Barmaid ‘Yes’. Etc – on drinking Blind Pew does funny dance DRUM SOUND EFFECTS
BLIND PEW – (barmaid stands up having collected dropped coins) Was that a local brew my dear?
BLIND PEW – Shiver me timbers it tastes like…..
BARMAID Ja !!!! (Barmaid puts coins in Pews hands)
BLIND PEW Is that my change my dear ? It’s a cheap drink, but then it would need to be.
ENTER STAGE RIGHT WIDOW FOLLOWED BY BILLY BONES (holding bucket as if to be sick in) HELPED BY JIM
WIDOW Helga, Helga! A glass of rum for Captain Bones he’s been taking ill after eating dinner.
JIM (To audience) The fact he’s just had warm haddock with Malibu & Cherryaid sauce and extra peanut butter is obviously just a coincidence! (helps Billy Bones into seat stage right Helga brings rum and gives to captain then retires backstage)
WIDOW (Bends over to fan Billy bones) Deep breaths captain
BLIND PEW (tap taps towards BillyBones) Well Billy we meet again, me old shipmate.
BILLY BONES – Blind Pew! (‘Pew’ into bucket)
BLIND PEW – I’ve got something for you Billy, from me an the lads, here you are (thrusts hand onto widows bottom DRUMS)
WIDOW – How dare you!
BLIND PEW – Sorry I just meant to give Billy the Black Spot. Here you are Billy, here you are me lad (fumbles over finds Billy Bones hand and gives the black spot) Me and the rest of your old shipmates will be back to get what’s ours (EVIL LAUGH)-EXIT PEW STAGE RIGHT
BILLY BONES – (STANDS leave bucket on table) The spot, the spot, I’ve got the spot
WIDOW A bit of acnes nothing to worry about I’ve got some cream for my boils and it ……………….. (BONES DROPS DEAD) Good heavens – is he dead?
WIDOW Jim – go and fetch the Doctor quick as you can
(Enter Doctor & Squire stage lower Door)
JIM It’s alright mum the Doctor & the squire have just arrived.
SQUIRE (Laughing talking to Dr) Haw Haw Haw, there we were surrounded in the jungle by ferocious pygmies so I cried, let go the marzipan doughnuts, by Jove the little blighters had never seen anything like it and ran like rabbits
DOCTOR Jolly good show, what what!
WIDOW Doctor Doctor we’ve had another
SQUIRE Another what?
DOCTOR This is the 5th death at the Benbow Inn this month, dashed if I can fathom the cause.
SQUIRE Bad luck old boy, when do they happen?
DOCTOR Strangely always after dinner and always after having A’ddock a La’ Hawkins,
SQUIRE And you’ve know idea what the cause of death is old man?
DOCTOR None at all got me absolutely stumped what what!
JIM (To audience) Absolute mystery isn’t it.!
SQUIRE Well I’m the local magistrate so what do you know about this man, is he destitute?
WIDOW No squire he’s English
SQUIRE I mean is he without money?
WIDOW Oh no sir, he paid in gold – look (passes over gold coin)
SQUIRE I say Livesey would you look at this!
DOCTOR What is it a gold sovereign what what?
WIDOW A gold doubloon?
SQUIRE – No it’s a scrummy chocolate coin – my favourite (peels & eats coin)
WIDOW – Chocolate, chocolate, he paid me in chocolate! He’s got a whole bag of money I’ll have what’s owed to me ! (finds bag on corpse empties bag on front of stage - nuts & bolts fall out) Sailors, Sailors, I always said you cant trust sailors, If he weren’t dead I’d kill him! I’ll have what he owes me, (ROUGHS UP CORPSE) Whats this ? (Finds treasure map) Here Jim read this I haven’t got my glasses (Hands map to Jim))
JIM Mum it’s a map of an Island, with ‘Treasure Map’ written in big letters on it. It says ‘Clappers treasure buried here’ with an ‘X marks the spot’ and ‘This way to the lovely lolly’. Mum it’s a treasure map! (hands map to squire)
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